DutchBeingMe

#SOCSunday: Rejection…

Written on January 21, 2012

This isn’t a topic I really *wanted* to write about… but yet I find myself doing it. So I’m limiting myself to 5 minutes. 5 minutes of trying to get these feelings out and trying to figure out how I can overcome these feelings. I’m just hoping that 5 minutes will be able help me heal just a little bit.

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All I’ve wanted in my life is to be wanted. To be somewhere that SOMEONE wants me to be close, someone somewhere wants me to be with them. That I am worthy of being there. That I am somehow needed to be in that place for a reason.

But yet, over and over in my life… whenever I’ve wished most that I could be needed, wanted… whatever… I’ve found that I’m rejected.

Maybe it’s just my expectation of what I think should be in my life just isn’t ever the case.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m ever so grateful for a family that loves and cares about me (and feeling this even more so in the last few months) and I’m blessed with blog friends from all over the globe that have supported me in a struggle and I can’t even begin to thank each one of them for this.

But yet, over and over… there are times that I feel that sting of rejection.

The times that I liked the boy and he didn’t want anything to do with me.

The (multiple) times that I had friends tell me they didn’t want anything to do with me. Both in high school and after college.

The times where I told myself that I couldn’t cut it.

And now there’s stuff happening where I’m left in limbo of being not sure if I’m wanted again.

And in the end, I know that each of these events is a trigger that something needs to change.

But with this most recent one, I just don’t know what exactly that change is yet.

Hopefully soon I will.

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Linked up with…

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Stream of Consciousness Sunday

#Mamavation: My week of ups & downs…

Written on January 16, 2012

It’s been a week full of ups and downs for me.

Well, to be honest, mostly downs.

Let’s just say – without going into the minutia and details that I will likely go into one day (in a whole other blog post) – I am back to doing some serious soul searching about where I need to be when it comes to where I want to live and what career path I want to take (or whether I want to stay on this one…)

Anyway – that’s all been playing into my realm of life – and making things much more stressful than what I really want things to be. I wanted to be able to easily transition out of my part-time job into a way of life where I can focus on me more and more.

And I guess with the events that happened this week, I REALLY have to do that now. Because I can’t stay in “this place” forever.

And “this place” means so many things to me right now…

My lifestyle
My eating habits
My working out
My current job
My hometown

So I’m looking.

For a dream.

For an inspiration.

For ME.

After all, I did say that 2012 was going to be about finding myself back.

However, at the moment, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about that “resolution”.

As a side note – for the friends that are in the Mamavation community I’m part of… as part of this effort to find “me” back, I *finally* got real with Weight Watchers (for the most part) and tried a little. And with this “trying” came a loss of 2.4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I have to honestly say that I was surprised… but elated at the same time.

Now only 90 pounds to go.

And a whole lot more writing to do.

Because I need feedback. And (I think) help finding my dreams again.

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All About Me, Mamavation Monday

#PinterestChallenge: Weeks 19-20…

Written on January 14, 2012

So um… yeah. I *thought* I had a post scheduled for last Sunday. I *thought* it had gone up. I also *thought* I had other things written too.

And yes, as you may have guessed, I *thought* wrong. And I kind of feel like a big ol’ dufus.

So here’s the linky for all your Pinterest project posts this week!

Have you followed these people on Pinterest yet? They are pinning great items!

Do you have any questions? Check out my Pinterest FAQ page or email me (dutchbeingme@gmail.com) for anything!

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#Pinterest52

#SOCSunday: Cleaning…

Written on January 8, 2012

I’ve been in a cleaning mood lately. I guess it comes with the new year… making all things new. Or new like. I just want to get the crap that shouldn’t be in my house out.

The problem?

My house right now… is an absolute disaster and I’m kind of overwhelmed by it. And being a person that gets anxious (or more anxious than I am already) by the “overwhelmed” feelings, well… let’s just say that’s not good.

So I delay the cleaning. Which in turn keeps the house messy. Now I’ve got a never ending circle on my hands.

Not good at all.

So I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it all this week, but something has to happen because I’ve got to start clearing things out. I already made some great progress by cleaning off the kitchen and dining room areas – not to mention that I have my guest bed back in order (and the clutter out of that room.) Now I just have to get the living room and my bedroom in order – and all will be good again.

Deep breath.

And I guess you could say that I also cleaned up my life a little this past week as well. I’ve mentioned here a couple of times (or more?) that I have a part time job at a health club — mostly for the free membership. Well, I gave my notice there this past week. So I’m not working there anymore.

Which means… time to actually work out again. time to blog again. time for me again.

And I think that’s the best clean-up I could do for me.

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Stream of Consciousness Sunday