I’ve been in full – I’m hiding because I’m ashamed – mode lately. Not hiding from family, but rather from myself. And for some reason today, I’m exposing myself.
Does that even make any sense?
I hope that I can explain this in a fairly neatly-wrapped blog post, but I’m afraid it will literally just come out a bunch of jumbled words with no real meaning behind it all.
But I hope that’s not true.
Since the beginning of this blog, I’ve chronicled my weight loss journey… the highs and lows, the struggles and triumphs. But in the past 2 years – a span in which I have said that I’m back in the “gaining mode” of this weight loss journey, I may have written words here about how I was trying again and again – to lose, to get back control, that I was learning… but I can’t say that I was being absolutely truthful about the words. I can’t say that I even believed anything I was writing.
Because I’ve been through the journey and “know the speak”… and because I’m a “pleaser of people”… I tend to make things sound like I’m on the upside of it all. I want to believe that it’s true. I just want to be back to where people were praising me for the accomplishments.
And then earlier today, I read “In Which I’m Embarrassed about my Weight” by Real Life Sarah.
It was in that blog post that I suddenly realized how much I was hiding even from myself. Or rather that I wasn’t being honest with myself.
Yes, I know I’ve struggle with my weight since late-grade school. It may have started when I was rejected by the boys or been the subject of laughter when the “over the shoulder boulder holder” jokes came up.
Yes, I remember sneaking food (specifically snacks) out of the cupboards and freezer during the middle school and high school years. Entire packages of Little Debbie cakes were consumed.
Yes, I thought I would be accepted by everyone because I was myself – despite my weight – but learned quickly that the looks of pity and avoiding eye contact became the norm for me. I was never connected to anyone as I passed them on the street… they just simply looked away.
Yes, I lost 160 pounds in a matter of 3 years. But it didn’t solve my problems. I was still wanting to be liked, needed, surrounded, heard and loved. But yet the kind of love I want so desperately for my life never came… even as I saw it happening in others.
Which always led to the question, why not me? What is wrong with me?
And thus the power of the self-abuse began to take over again. It started simply enough with one meal… but then over the course of 2 years it has now escalated itself to almost every meal.
And food is an addiction that is hard.
I can avoid alcohol. I can avoid television. And I’m sure that (if put up to the challenge) I can even avoid the internet and technology. (PLEASE don’t put me up to that challenge!)
But no one can avoid food. Even in it’s healthiest forms it can be abused. It can look like a person is changing their life on the outside – even by looking at what is in the grocery cart – but unless you are a fly on the wall here (or a spider I won’t touch), you will never know how much is consumed.
And I am there. No matter what the food is. I am there.
I’ve said that I’m starting the “Weight Watchers” plan again – but in all honesty, the only thing I’ve done is started paying the company money… not once fully counting Points+ for a day and now at a net gain since joining in mid-December.
I know in my head and in my heart things NEED to change. I need to be healthier. I really do WANT it.
I want to look in the mirror and see who i truly am. Not someone who is known for being “the girl who lost weight.” Not someone, who despite losing the weight and was healthy, looked at herself as still overweight and not-good-enough.
I want to be me. I want to feel like me. I want to be worthy. I want to see me for me.
And I guess in the end, I have to discover who she is.
Because right now… I just don’t know.
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It’s funny how food becomes that item we alter or cover up to make ourselves seem different and better. I add ice to my milk to fill my glass, but I don’t think I’m really drinking any less.
When I did ww I paid my dues for months without results until a woman in a meeting told me I needed to track my food. She was right. I started losing weight when I wrote it down. It’s the same way for me now. I got gestational diabetes & when I wrote the food down my scale liked me. I need to start doing it again, even though I hate doing it. Being honest with myself is very difficult.
You are a wonderful woman and people will see that. I love your twitter profile picture btw.
Thanks so much Megan! I just hate paying for something and not seeing the results. You are absolutely right that I need to own up to the tracking and just do it.
Wow! Honey, we have all been there at one point or another. I snuck spoonfuls of brown sugar because food was carefully controlled when I was growing up. I applaud you for writing those words, and I believe that writing has been the best help to me, well writing AND the Sistahood. We are all here for you and in his crowd there is no room for shame. Hugs!!
Thank you so much for your support. I just noticed on one of the BookieBoo boards that you’ll be at BlissDom! I can’t wait to meet you!
Hi girl! I completely get what you are saying. Food is a dangerous addiction and those who do not share that with you, have a hard time understanding it! I think you have already taken a huge step to finding your answers by 1–admitting it..not only to yourself but to everyone else. That’s just a brave and honest thing to do! You CAN do it and you can continue to improve upon yourself! You have a whole team of ladies on here that are more than welcome to help you, listen to you vent, and give you advice to keep you moving forward! Definitely utilize your resources! Even though we have not previously talked, I am always here to try and help. I can relate in so many ways to your post and support is key! I hope you have a wonderful week! Take it one day at a time, one step at a time! Each step forward is another battle won!!
AmberLou24 recently posted..Winning the battle…..a war rages on! — Mamavation Monday Post –
Thank you so much for your support. I just need to keep battling… one step at a time, just as you said.
I love your honesty! Have you heard of “Made to Crave” by Lysa TerKeurst? I haven’t read the whole book I’ve just read snippets but what I’ve read/heard sounds inspiring. We are going to do the book/study with a group of ladies at church. I’m really looking forward to it. I agree in that food addictions are the hardest because you can’t go cold turkey… you have to eat. Hang in there!
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I haven’t heard of that book — I’m going to look it up at the library right now. Would love to know more about the study sometime!
My dear friend, I’m facing up to some similar issues right now… it’s not fun, but it’s worth it. I’m worth it, and SO ARE YOU!!
Thank you Ingrid!
Julie…
Reading your blog today broke my heart. I have to admit that in high school I was one of those people who made you feel invisible, and for that, you will never know how sorry I am…no one should ever feel like they are unseen.
As far as being worthy, Julie, YOU ARE WORTHY!!! You are worthy of being loved, of achieving your dreams and worthy of being seen for who you truly are…a great girl, who is very intelligent, fun to be around, beautiful inside and out, who is a great friend and so much more. YOU ARE WORTHY!
If you haven’t read it yet, get the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Womans Soul and read it. I had/have the same issues with worthiness and it really helped me.
You are SO worthy Julie and don’t anyone ever let you feel different or tell you different!!!
Jen, I can’t thank you for your words enough.
I actually own that book and took it with me to work today in hopes that I actually get past the first 2 chapters (I think where I’ve stopped the last 2 times I tried to read it.) Maybe I should blog about what I’m learning from myself in the book. Thanks again friend.
It is sad how many of us know EXACTLY where you are coming from. The years that I have spent battling eating disorders and self destructive behavior revolving weight/ food far outweigh the years I have spent raising a family. I have a longer term relationship with my craziness than anything else in this world. For me, I have had to work through the emotional issues to see any progress. I am so intrigued by this 160 lb weightloss. I am new to your blog and need to catch up
I love how you put that you have “a longer term relationship with my craziness than anything else”… because that’s SO true of myself even.
PS… I’d love to share more about my story with the weight loss journey with you sometime.
Wow, Julie. I wish I knew what to say, other than the obvious “I’ve been there”. Because I have. But I’ve never had the guts to put it all out there like you have here. I can’t wait to meet you and give you a great big hug and maybe even talk about it.
For now, I’ll say this, as trite as it may sound: Love yourself first. There’s so much about you to love.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Sausage Stuffed Mushrooms
I’m so thankful there’s only 29 days til I get to see you — and get that hug!
It always seems where food and weight loss is concerned words to try and explain it become a jumbled mess. There is so much that goes into it – the fact that you can’t avoid food, the shame, the secrecy. My big thing is the fact that, although I’ve always struggled with my weight, I could more or less get by. And if I made even the least effort, it would come off. Now, three kids and 15 yeas of anti-depressants later, the weight won’t budge without a rather forced attempt. So I relate. No words of wisdom except don’t read my recent blog post which is about … food!
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I saw the title of your blog post – and actually did go check it out. (Pinned it for sometime later!)
Thanks so much – and you’re right, there are times in life that it just seems like it comes off easier. I wish this was one of these times!
That really is the tough part about food, isn’t it? We can avoid so many things, but we HAVE to eat.
What a brave first step, questioning who you are and where you want to be. I love that you are exposing yourself and coming out of hiding. I applaud you for being vulnerable. I think when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we have the best opportunity to make real changes in our lives. You are on a good path!
You can do this! I and the Sistahood will be cheering for you every step of the way!
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Thank you so much — I truly appreciate your support.
I read this yesterday and wanted to comment but didn’t have time. I wanted to come back and let you know how much I loved this post. It’s beautifully written, honest, and something so many of us can relate to. I understand where you are coming from and want to say how brave it was for you to share all of this with us. It’s hard. But it’s inspiring. And I love you for that.
Thank you Pauline. I am so glad I have friends like you that can understand and relate to this struggle – and know what it’s like when you open yourself up like this as well.
I can so relate to everything you’re saying. I did so well, but have been hiding in the corners the last few months, finding excuses and munching the wrong things. Let’s get back on the wagon, sista!
Lena – @elenka29 recently posted..Mamavation Monday – Week 15
Yes Lena! Let’s do this together.
Oh Julie! I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know exactly what you’re saying, though. Once I started getting overweight (I was the “skinny” girl my whole life until after I had kids) I realized the problem, but refused to acknowledge it for so long. I’ve snuck (sneaked?) snacks and sodas and lied to my own calorie counter. I’m just now finally getting past that and starting to really work at this weight loss thing.
Good luck! We’re here for you!
Thank you! I forgot about the lying to the calorie counters – where you only put in part of what you’re eating! I totally do that too.
You can do this. One day at a time. If you need anything i’m here for support. Have a great week.
Thank you! So glad to have your support!
Girl, you are inspiring! Thank you, thank you for sharing this!
Thank you Heather! It was tough to write, but I’m very thankful I did it!
((hugs)) Julie, you are very brave and inspiring. So many of us have food addictions, or eat emotionally. It is a tough cycle to break through. Always remember that you are worth and have people who will help you
Shannon @Aries_Mommy recently posted..Shhh…Don’t Wake the Sleeping Dragon
Thank you Shannon! I’m so thankful for the support of the #Mamavation community!
Body issues suck. I posted a little about it today. It really is something that has to happen in your head, and I know what it’s like to sabotage yourself, just when you feel like you’ve gotten it together.
You KNOW you can do this. You just have to let yourself. It’s a weird thing to say, but it’s true.
xo