After the week I had last week, and knowing that I really had to start being honest with myself and others ALL the time (rather than when I wanted and/or chose to)… I decided last night that I was changing. I’m not exactly what prompted the “I’m changing thought in my head”… but it came and stayed.

It might have been around the time that I read this…

Source: soon2befit.tumblr.com via Julie on Pinterest

 
I haven’t been determined about much of anything in the past few months. Or the last couple years for that matter. It’s just tough when you believe something is going to happen and it just doesn’t. It’s tough when you believe that change is around the corner and then nothing seemingly looks any different day to day. Or you feel that rejection is still surrounding you.

But that all changes now.

I’ve been listening to the song “Gratitude” by Nichole Nordeman quite a bit lately. It’s been giving me a perspective that I really need to be grateful – even in the tough times, the times that things seem so desperate, and the times that feel the darkest. (If you want to listen to the song, click below.)

I’m going back to the list I created for myself more than a year ago – and really concentrating on those 101 things that make me happy. Really concentrating on being me and focusing on what I can do with determination.

So that I can go to bed each night satisfied with what I’ve done each day. 

As far as things on the weight loss front… I chickened out of going to Weight Watchers again last week, and I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t have been pretty. But today is a new day. Today I start over. And today I start to track the food again. I start to workout regularly again.

Also? Another thing that helps tremendously is having accountability partners. After last week’s post, Lena reached out to me and since then we’ve been checking in with each other about our water intake and how we’re feeling throughout the day. It really does help to have someone to go to when you are feeling down (or feeling awesome) about something. If you want to join us… just look us up on twitter (I’m @dutchbeingme and Lena is @elenka29).

BlissDom is 24 days away and I want to feel confident when walking into that hotel.

I want to feel like myself.

And I want to keep that feeling going for a long time to come.

I spent the majority of the weekend re-organizing my Pinterest boards… my goodness I had forgotten about a LOT of good things there. It’s amazing to re-find something and want to try it out again! And the perfect time to do it may be the SuperBowl weekend coming up!

Here’s the linky for all your Pinterest project posts this week!

Have you followed these people on Pinterest yet? They are pinning great items!

Do you have any questions? Check out my Pinterest FAQ page or email me (dutchbeingme@gmail.com) for anything!

I hope you all are pinning and doing great things! I’m so excited because I *finally* have a couple of posts ready to publish (sometimes that’s the hardest part!)

We’re almost halfway through the challenge (but remember… you can join anytime!) so I’m wondering… What’s been your favorite part of the challenge so far?

Here’s the linky for all your Pinterest project posts this week!

Have you followed these people on Pinterest yet? They are pinning great items!

Do you have any questions? Check out my Pinterest FAQ page or email me (dutchbeingme@gmail.com) for anything!

I’ve been in full – I’m hiding because I’m ashamed – mode lately. Not hiding from family, but rather from myself. And for some reason today, I’m exposing myself.

Does that even make any sense?

I hope that I can explain this in a fairly neatly-wrapped blog post, but I’m afraid it will literally just come out a bunch of jumbled words with no real meaning behind it all.

But I hope that’s not true.

Since the beginning of this blog, I’ve chronicled my weight loss journey… the highs and lows, the struggles and triumphs. But in the past 2 years – a span in which I have said that I’m back in the “gaining mode” of this weight loss journey, I may have written words here about how I was trying again and again – to lose, to get back control, that I was learning… but I can’t say that I was being absolutely truthful about the words. I can’t say that I even believed anything I was writing.

Because I’ve been through the journey and “know the speak”… and because I’m a “pleaser of people”… I tend to make things sound like I’m on the upside of it all. I want to believe that it’s true. I just want to be back to where people were praising me for the accomplishments.

And then earlier today, I read “In Which I’m Embarrassed about my Weight” by Real Life Sarah.

It was in that blog post that I suddenly realized how much I was hiding even from myself. Or rather that I wasn’t being honest with myself.

Yes, I know I’ve struggle with my weight since late-grade school. It may have started when I was rejected by the boys or been the subject of laughter when the “over the shoulder boulder holder” jokes came up.

Yes, I remember sneaking food (specifically snacks) out of the cupboards and freezer during the middle school and high school years. Entire packages of Little Debbie cakes were consumed.

Yes, I thought I would be accepted by everyone because I was myself – despite my weight – but learned quickly that the looks of pity and avoiding eye contact became the norm for me. I was never connected to anyone as I passed them on the street… they just simply looked away.

Yes, I lost 160 pounds in a matter of 3 years. But it didn’t solve my problems. I was still wanting to be liked, needed, surrounded, heard and loved. But yet the kind of love I want so desperately for my life never came… even as I saw it happening in others.

Which always led to the question, why not me? What is wrong with me?

And thus the power of the self-abuse began to take over again. It started simply enough with one meal… but then over the course of 2 years it has now escalated itself to almost every meal.

And food is an addiction that is hard.

I can avoid alcohol. I can avoid television. And I’m sure that (if put up to the challenge) I can even avoid the internet and technology. (PLEASE don’t put me up to that challenge!)

But no one can avoid food. Even in it’s healthiest forms it can be abused. It can look like a person is changing their life on the outside – even by looking at what is in the grocery cart – but unless you are a fly on the wall here (or a spider I won’t touch), you will never know how much is consumed.

And I am there. No matter what the food is. I am there.

I’ve said that I’m starting the “Weight Watchers” plan again – but in all honesty, the only thing I’ve done is started paying the company money… not once fully counting Points+ for a day and now at a net gain since joining in mid-December.

I know in my head and in my heart things NEED to change. I need to be healthier. I really do WANT it.

I want to look in the mirror and see who i truly am. Not someone who is known for being “the girl who lost weight.” Not someone, who despite losing the weight and was healthy, looked at herself as still overweight and not-good-enough.

I want to be me. I want to feel like me. I want to be worthy. I want to see me for me.

And I guess in the end, I have to discover who she is.

Because right now… I just don’t know.

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This isn’t a topic I really *wanted* to write about… but yet I find myself doing it. So I’m limiting myself to 5 minutes. 5 minutes of trying to get these feelings out and trying to figure out how I can overcome these feelings. I’m just hoping that 5 minutes will be able help me heal just a little bit.

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All I’ve wanted in my life is to be wanted. To be somewhere that SOMEONE wants me to be close, someone somewhere wants me to be with them. That I am worthy of being there. That I am somehow needed to be in that place for a reason.

But yet, over and over in my life… whenever I’ve wished most that I could be needed, wanted… whatever… I’ve found that I’m rejected.

Maybe it’s just my expectation of what I think should be in my life just isn’t ever the case.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m ever so grateful for a family that loves and cares about me (and feeling this even more so in the last few months) and I’m blessed with blog friends from all over the globe that have supported me in a struggle and I can’t even begin to thank each one of them for this.

But yet, over and over… there are times that I feel that sting of rejection.

The times that I liked the boy and he didn’t want anything to do with me.

The (multiple) times that I had friends tell me they didn’t want anything to do with me. Both in high school and after college.

The times where I told myself that I couldn’t cut it.

And now there’s stuff happening where I’m left in limbo of being not sure if I’m wanted again.

And in the end, I know that each of these events is a trigger that something needs to change.

But with this most recent one, I just don’t know what exactly that change is yet.

Hopefully soon I will.

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Linked up with…

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It’s been a week full of ups and downs for me.

Well, to be honest, mostly downs.

Let’s just say – without going into the minutia and details that I will likely go into one day (in a whole other blog post) – I am back to doing some serious soul searching about where I need to be when it comes to where I want to live and what career path I want to take (or whether I want to stay on this one…)

Anyway – that’s all been playing into my realm of life – and making things much more stressful than what I really want things to be. I wanted to be able to easily transition out of my part-time job into a way of life where I can focus on me more and more.

And I guess with the events that happened this week, I REALLY have to do that now. Because I can’t stay in “this place” forever.

And “this place” means so many things to me right now…

• My lifestyle
• My eating habits
• My working out
• My current job
• My hometown

So I’m looking.

For a dream.

For an inspiration.

For ME.

After all, I did say that 2012 was going to be about finding myself back.

However, at the moment, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about that “resolution”.

As a side note – for the friends that are in the Mamavation community I’m part of… as part of this effort to find “me” back, I *finally* got real with Weight Watchers (for the most part) and tried a little. And with this “trying” came a loss of 2.4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I have to honestly say that I was surprised… but elated at the same time.

Now only 90 pounds to go.

And a whole lot more writing to do.

Because I need feedback. And (I think) help finding my dreams again.

So um… yeah. I *thought* I had a post scheduled for last Sunday. I *thought* it had gone up. I also *thought* I had other things written too.

And yes, as you may have guessed, I *thought* wrong. And I kind of feel like a big ol’ dufus.

So here’s the linky for all your Pinterest project posts this week!

Have you followed these people on Pinterest yet? They are pinning great items!

Do you have any questions? Check out my Pinterest FAQ page or email me (dutchbeingme@gmail.com) for anything!

I’ve been in a cleaning mood lately. I guess it comes with the new year… making all things new. Or new like. I just want to get the crap that shouldn’t be in my house out.

The problem?

My house right now… is an absolute disaster and I’m kind of overwhelmed by it. And being a person that gets anxious (or more anxious than I am already) by the “overwhelmed” feelings, well… let’s just say that’s not good.

So I delay the cleaning. Which in turn keeps the house messy. Now I’ve got a never ending circle on my hands.

Not good at all.

So I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it all this week, but something has to happen because I’ve got to start clearing things out. I already made some great progress by cleaning off the kitchen and dining room areas – not to mention that I have my guest bed back in order (and the clutter out of that room.) Now I just have to get the living room and my bedroom in order – and all will be good again.

Deep breath.

And I guess you could say that I also cleaned up my life a little this past week as well. I’ve mentioned here a couple of times (or more?) that I have a part time job at a health club — mostly for the free membership. Well, I gave my notice there this past week. So I’m not working there anymore.

Which means… time to actually work out again. time to blog again. time for me again.

And I think that’s the best clean-up I could do for me.

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Linked up with…

I’m a big fan of daily devotionals. I find them very interesting and inspiring at times. They give me a reason to look forward to the day and maybe even give me an optimistic look at the future as a whole.

So when I got the opportunity to review the devotional “One Year UnCommon Life Daily Challenge” by Tony Dungy, I jumped at the chance.

Not only do I like devotionals… but the chance to live the “uncommon life”? Sign me up.

Okay, yes… I know that just by *reading* the book won’t make my life uncommon. But Coach Dungy – you know, the super bowl winning coach? Well, he has some pretty good words in there.

So far of what I’ve read I’ve found realistic stories, life experiences, that relate directly to what I’m dealing with – along with some pretty encouraging verses in the Bible each day. It’s made me think. It’s made me re-evaluate some things in my life. It’s made me prioritize.

These are all good things. Things I need to do. Now to just keep reading… and start living my life a little more uncommonly.

What Is The Challenge?

Would you like to win a copy of “One Year UnCommon Life Daily Challenge”?

Simply leave a comment below to be entered!

Giveaway open until 11:59pm on January 15, 2012 to residents of the United States only. Winner will be chosen via random.org and notified via email.

Disclaimer: A paperback edition of this book was sent, at no cost to me, for my honest review and participation in the virtual book tour event for Tyndale Reviewers.

It’s that time of year again. The time where resolutions are made and when commitments are made about how to change our lives.

And I really have thought about a number of things that I want to do to make my life more “fulfilling” this year. (“Fulfilling” being a term that is constantly fluid and of my own discretion.)

They could include… date more, eat healthier, workout, save money, pay off debt, write a book, call friends more often, take a dream vacation, hang out with the nephew at least once a month, watch less television, read more books, put down the computer and the phone {gasp!}.

But each of those are resolutions made to be broken. Goals that don’t have a real plan behind them – but rather a dream of something I can do.

I do however have one “resolution” for the year. And it’s something I plan on keeping true for myself. No matter the choices I make or how I react – I will be me. I will stand up for myself and be independent. I will overcome the negativity in my own head about what I can or cannot do. I will be healthier – not only in my body, but also in my mind, my heart and my soul.

I wrote this on twitter the other night – and it still rings very true to me…

I’m turning this year into the year of change and finding myself. Getting back to where I need to be!

So that’s what I’m focusing on now. ME. And nothing but me.

Bring it on 2012.

What are you focusing on in the new year?