December has been a month of times where I have joined Weight Watchers in the past. I believe the first time I walked into Weight Watchers the first time was 9 years ago this past week. And 3 years ago this week was when I had reached the Weight Watchers Lifetime status.

That status seems ever so far away again.

And last night I became suddenly aware of how much I want to be back at my goal weight again. I’m not going into the details of what made me realize it, but let’s just say I’m not feeling so hot about myself.

It is what it is. And I’ve done what I’ve done.

I can’t keep beating myself up for things that are in the past. So I need to move on, and I must work on changing my habits again.

Changing habits before the holidays begin.

I need to lose weight again.

I don’t know if I’ll post another picture here again. Or even what I weigh in at later today.

But know that I’m going to start doing what I did the last time around. Start doing the things that helped me achieve my goals and keep the accountability going with everyone in my life online. Because sticking myself in a hole is not a good thing. Because hiding does not help one lose weight – especially when said person is a closet binge eater.

Yes. I said it.

But you know what? I feel a little relief with it.

Maybe because I needed to acknowledge it to myself too.

And now I’ll be heading out to face the music.

I had the best of intentions. I thought I was ready to start with trying to lose weight before I left on vacation a couple of weeks ago.

For a couple of days, I did well. Then the inevitable happened and I continued on my way as I did for the last year. Or more.

So now I’m taking drastic measures with myself. I’m “outing” myself and what I really look like.

Because dressing right really does hide the problem areas.

This picture is from a couple weeks ago, but it’s exactly what I look like. No hiding anymore. {Plus I’m not super sunburned in this picture like I am now. Ouch. Seriously.}

And now, for the first time EVER on this blog… I’m going to get real about what I actually weigh. I have to give credit to Sunday for this, because she did this on her own blog… and totally inspired me to be REAL about everything too.

I mean really. Look at those stubby toes. Not to mention the number on the scale. Ugh.

So I’m doing something about this. I’ve already met with my trainer last week (and couldn’t hardly walk for 3 days after!) and am starting (slowly) to change my eating habits. I need to get back into the rhythm again of how I did this before.

I’m starting the process to pledge to #mamavation today. (I know, yesterday was Monday… but I sorta forgot about the blog link-up then.)

No more splurging. Daily.

No more “justifying” the quick lunches.

No more eating out because I have no food in the house.

I must go grocery shopping.

I must plan my meals.

I must start paying attention again.

I’m doing this for me.

For my future. For my now.

My head wasn’t in the right place a couple of weeks ago when I wrote that I really needed to lose weight again. In fact, I still cannot completely say today without a shadow of a doubt that it still is.

I just know that my pants don’t fit anymore. As I sit and type this, I can almost feel the seems coming apart… feel the humiliation of what will happen when (inevitably) they break at the most inopportune time.

And it makes me want to cry.

Especially after the horrors of what I did to myself over the last 2 weeks. I could have made good choices, but each and every time I felt sorry for myself (which was a lot by the way) I chose the quick meal that had hundreds (if not thousands) of calories.

Over the last few days, I’ve also been noticing some things in myself that I don’t like. Things like getting out of breath easily at tasks that should be easy for me. Tasks that previously were nothing for me to handle even while doing other things in the process.

So I need to get my butt in gear. For real this time.

Weight Tracker

I actually decided it last night (Sunday)… and promptly made a chart of what my weight is each and every week. An accountability chart if you will. (And I have a plan for accountability on this as well.)

Then shortly after this, I hauled out all the (new to me) Points Plus Weight Watchers materials that I have been holding on to for about a year. I knew the old plan inside & out… and this new plan scared me a little. But now I’ve got to get past this “scared” feeling (aka I’m gonna fail this time) and get back on it. Get back to what I know is right to do.

My Weight Watcher's materials

I wish there was a way for me to be part of the #Mamavation group without trying to be in a contest. If there is… I just can’t figure it out. Meanwhile, I hang out on the hashtag & will continue to try to get motivated to do the right thing – as well as give encouragement too.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to find a new pair of pants today in the next size (or 3) up from where I am.

If nothing else to avoid something horrific happening with the ones I am wearing.

Me now... as taken with a cell phone camera in the bathroom. Not good.

Sigh. That’s how much I’ve gained in less than 18 months… or maybe 12.

And if you do the math… that’s gaining 3+ pounds a month. Which absolutely sickens me.

At this rate, being 100 pounds away from my heaviest known weight right now, I would be back to my “old” self in a matter of 2-3 years… or less.

I just can’t have that.

So I was thinking about applying to be an official “Mamavation” mom. (Yes, even though I’m not a mom.) The program that Leah runs is great… and full of support. I love that about the #Mamavation hashtag on twitter. I love seeing the support of everyone.

I had that kind of support before… and I need that kind of support again.

But after a (long) weekend of thinking about it, I can’t apply for the program this summer. There are too many things standing in the way for me to be successful. First is the commitments that I have for my vacations – visiting friends and attending a blog conference. Second is the fact that I don’t own a Wii. (That could be rectified… but I’d rather not buy something I’m only going to use for a matter of months.) Last is the issue of me not being able to participate in the online bootcamps throughout the day. It’s very difficult for me to be online between 8am & 5pm during the week (and some days it’s more like 8am – 10pm).

So I’m going to do this myself again. Eating right and working out… following the Weight Watchers plan (the new one I have the materials for – but have yet to really read/learn.)

I’d love to say that I started strong this morning with a new outlook and excitement toward losing the weight… but that’s just not true. I woke up late and McDonald’s was just easier to go to than to try to find something “healthier”. It’s bad – but it is what it is.

I know what I have to do… the #1 thing is to stop eating at the easy-in/easy-out fast food establishments. The second is that I *have* to start drinking my water again each day. The third is to start getting some exercise in… and then finally making sure that I’m eating the right things (which if I’m not visiting the fast food places, would go a LONG ways toward anyway.)

After writing this all out, I have to admit something. While I know I have to change these things in my life… I’m still struggling with the desire to change them. Maybe it has to do with the original reason I gained the weight in the first place.

In which case… I have a lot of self-discovery to do. And do it fast.

I don’t want to be who I was again.

It’s been another week away from my blog. I haven’t intended to leave, but it – I guess – was necessary. I’ve been sick again… another cold {or so the doctor says}… and just have no energy to do anything. I’m not sure why I can’t seem to get on top of it all this year.

Or am I just hiding from the truth of the matter?

In the past year, I’ve “let myself go” (so to speak) and have gained 1/3 of the weight I lost back. I’ve gotten back into the habit of not eating well… and not exercising enough. I see myself now going “out to eat” (fast food or otherwise) at least once each day… if not more.

I also see myself differently in the things that I do. How I act. The way I see myself… and treat myself on the inside. Negativity and pessimism have been ruling my thoughts.

Could it be true that you are what you eat? Because then right about now I’d call myself shit.

After being a weight loss success story, I said that I wasn’t going to be one of the people that gained the weight back. I wasn’t going to be the person that stopped going to my Weight Watchers meetings and lost sight of my achievements. I wasn’t going to be the person that beat herself up every other minute of the day…

All of this needs to stop.

I need to get control back. I need to be treating myself with the respect that I want to receive from others. I need to be eating things that have the *right* to go into my body… and not this crap that I’ve been serving myself. And as much as it pains me to say it, I need to give up some sleep in order to workout for at least 30 minutes each morning before I head into the office.

Because doing this is the *only* way that I’m going to be able to find myself back again.

Yes, I know these could just be me writing the words on the page again… words that have no meaning until they are followed through upon. Words that I feel like I have written time and time before in the past six months and not once have I followed through.

But I need to act on something… or I’ll follow through with nothing.

And I can’t afford to not follow through on making the most of this life.

This weekend I spent time working on many different things. But as you can see in my SOC Sunday post yesterday, I didn’t actually accomplish anything. But there are a couple of things I’d like to point out.

I am a failure.

Ok, not really in the overall sense of the word… but in this weekend. Not a single thing came together to help me accomplish the goals that I had set for myself. It was almost as if karma was working against me.

And sometimes, karma’s a bitch.

First… my house is still not clean.
I yearn for the day that I can have company and not feel like I’m hiding everything in the planet. I’ve been reading Julie Morganstern‘s website again… and goodness knows one of her books (that I own) will likely end up on the {soon to be released} list that I’m creating for my reads this year. I just have to get my “stuff” organized. I have to purge what I don’t need and live much more minimalistically.

Second… I attempted baking again.
All I wanted was a brownie. Then to take the rest to work. I knew it was risky. I knew I really shouldn’t make them lest I really stray from the Weight Watchers program. But I made them anyway. All was going well… took them out of the oven @ 33min (as the package said) and they weren’t quite done yet. I just knew it. So I put them in for a couple more minutes. And then got on twitter for an undetermined number of minutes. Yes. I lost track.

Brick o' brownie.

And now have been left with a brick of brownie (because I can’t cut them… and they came out of the pan seamlessly in one clump) that is now in the trash.

Finally… I didn’t workout at all and can honestly say I didn’t follow Weight Watchers plan. Again.
Not one little bit. I wanted to go to my Kick class yesterday morning, but overslept so I abandoned the idea altogether. Part of the laziness of the day. In fact I think I can say that I didn’t do much of anything on Saturday… except watch a movie (Easy A). Then Sunday, I finally got a little motivated. I got 2 blog posts written (I know… crazy!) and when I looked at the clock, well… the Aqua Fit class I was going to try out was well on it way to being over. Sadness.

Related to this, I haven’t really been doing well with transitioning over to the new Weight Watcher’s points plus program. I have my login info and have been looking up some items – but not tracking well at all. I’ve really got to start getting used to this once again. I just can’t figure out what’s stopping me. Outside of the appealing nature of the fast food restaurants I’ve been visiting. {Shoot me now.}

And one last final note in this related field. I’ve been named a Blissdom-Candy Goddess as of last night.

Can’t say that’ll be good for my Weight Watcher’s plan.

Guess I’m starting up on February 1 again.

Well, at least I have a plan.

So that means I didn’t fail at everything… right?!

I saw myself.

I REALLY saw myself.

I look fat.

I feel fat.

I hate this feeling. I hate being so tired. I hate having no motivation. I hate seeing my clothes not fit the way that I want, er… need them too. I hate

And I wanted to cry. Cry tears that would not stop… because as I said last week, I’ve gained some of the weight back. I can no longer say that I’m maintaining a 160 pound weight loss. I can no longer say that I’m half the size I used to be.

But I want to change. I want to be back there so badly. I want to be back in the shape I was when I was working out one-on-one with my personal trainer. I want to not have to pay to go to my Weight Watcher’s meetings.

So with that, I committing to running the Riverbank 25k next year.

Yes, I know I committed to it last year and then chickened out. But this year will be different. I’m starting my running regimen 2 months earlier than I did last year. And I’ll need every minute of that 2 month advance if I’m going to lose this weight at the same time.

Because if I don’t lose some of this weight again… I’m really afraid that I won’t see myself the way I should.

I want to see myself as beautiful. I want others to see me as beautiful.

And right now that just isn’t happening.

I have friends that tell me that I am… and I truly *want* to believe them. I truly *want* to see it in myself.

But maybe if I can do this one thing – lose the weight again and run the 25k – that maybe I can will see it in myself once and for all. Because I really want to.

How do you see yourself?

Rarely does a television show get me angry. Usually I stop watching well before that point happens. I choose not to like the show and let it die it’s {usually} very timely death.

But then came the show “Mike & Molly” which stars one of my favorite actresses – Melissa McCarthy. I fell in love with her as I watched (and to be honest, still watch on DVD) “Gilmore Girls”… I was thrilled to see her recently in “Life as we know it.” However, the depiction of her (as well as Billy Gardell’s) character by the writers of “Mike & Molly” really makes me angry. (And yes, for some reason I keep watching the show via my Tivo.)

The show is poorly written and makes horrible jokes about fat people. Actually it makes jokes about every stereotype that the writers can dream up for any and all of the characters. It is not real.

I believe the writers in this show (as probably most writers in Hollywood do) think this is how the world really acts and talks to fat people. That this is something that is normal and how fat people should be treated. With the jokes and comments that surround these characters each week on the show… in the weight loss world, they are facing a seriously uphill battle.

And Marie Claire freelance writer, Maura Kelly, earlier this week added fuel to the fire about this show by raising the issue of not wanting to see overweight people kissing… or even walking across the room.

A lot of this really has me saddened about how the media really views people that have greater girth. As someone that has achieved a substantial weight loss… I knew that when I was 300+ pounds, I didn’t look my best – in fact I wanted to hide from people. There is no way that I would have been able to achieve ANY weight loss with those people surrounding me if I had been subject to any amount of teasing or joking.

But because of a great support system around me, I was able to achieve the weight loss. Many of these friends and family that still stand by me today and continually tell me that they are proud of me… and to keep inspiring others by sharing my story.

Tearing people down is not the answer in any situation… but especially not when someone is trying to achieve a goal – whether weight loss related or otherwise.

As a side note: Maura Kelly – in her “update” to her article after it was published – said that she didn’t intend to hurt anyone by her words… and that her feelings likely were a result of the weight issues (anorexia) she has battled in her past.

What we need to remember in all of this is that no one is perfect. No matter our size.

So I’m back with a #WeightWatchers Wednesday post again… finally.

I’ve said it before. And I’ll probably say it again.

I eat when I’m tired.

AND I MUST BE TIRED! Ok, maybe being tired isn’t the only reason I’m eating… but it sure seems to play a large role for me. Add to that the lack of discipline in following my workout plan and eating the regular small meals that I was used to as recently as last year… and you have me now.

A girl sitting here wondering how she gained some of the weight back.

I know it happens to the best of us. And writing about it here will provide me some accountability with getting back on track.

Not to mention that I’ve started working at my favorite health club. I love it there. And I’ve started working out again.

I think that’s the best part.

Because I feel like I’m WAY out of shape when I’m working… not because of things I can’t do, but rather seeing all the VERY fit people walking in and working out.

I want to be one of those people again.

So I’m back at it. Back at the eating right (as much as I can before I get groceries at least) and working out (especially with my GroupKick class, running and starting my strength training again.)

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this.

Like I want to change. Change for the good.

Change for me.

Are you back to feeling the way you need to? Do you need to change?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Interested in buying handmade cards to help me attend Relevant???

While I’ve been working on this puzzle over the last few weeks, some realizations have come to me. It’s probably pretty obvious to anyone that does puzzles on a regular basis. But here they are…

You need to look at things from different angles.

Instead of simply looking at the puzzle and it’s pieces from the same direction, sometimes I had to get up and examine pieces around the table. Pick things up, look at it a little closer – and discover something new about myself.

I think through this 101 things to do in 1001 days idea, I’m doing just that. I’m trying to look at things in ways that I haven’t before. Trying new things. Creating adventures for myself – and taking chances on things when I don’t really know what the outcome is going to be.

You need to flip things upside down.

More than one time this weekend, I was holding the right piece of the puzzle and all I had to do was flip it over. Turn it a little clockwise. Or just simply try it a different place. That’s how things came together so quickly.

In my weight loss journey there were plenty of times that I had to flip things upside down. I had to change things up. I had to do something different. Because change is good. Change keeps you on your toes and keeps your body from getting too used to the same things day in and day out. If I hadn’t continually made changes in my life – for my weight loss journey specifically – I don’t think I would have lost the weight.

Truly, when I speak of change in this case I don’t mean solely food, sometimes it’s the exercise or activities you do, and sometimes it’s the support group that you have. During my journey, I had 4 very distinct groups of support… and I can honestly say that each formed a special bond with me throughout the journey.

Did I really just say that change is good… hmmm.

And sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation to see where you’re at.

I think this is the hardest part of changing the perspective on something. Leaving it and moving on. Looking at something new. When I did this and then a while (hours, days, a week perhaps) later came back to it, the whole thing seemed new. Almost as if something had changed within the puzzle while I was gone.

I may have said this before, but over the last month my Bible studies have been non-existent. I’ve felt further away from God than what I have in a long time. Tears have been shed, prayers for help have been lifted up… but I never opened His word to listen to what he might be telling me.

Then I started the Bible in 90 Day journey 2 days ago. It was hard, I struggled. It wasn’t as if I wanted or intended to be a “remove yourself” situation, but I think for some reason, it was part of the plan because I feel renewed yesterday as I read.

All of these perspectives are important as we journey though life.

If we don’t take a step back from the conversations we’ve had that have raised tensions with a friend or family member and look at them another way, a rift may form that takes much longer to be crossed in the path of healing. What if we don’t look at what we need to change in ourselves to make us who God wants us to be by flipping something over in our lives, could we miss a blessing that could change the lives of those around us forever?

Do you have to change your perspective on something?

I know I do. And I’m glad to be working on it.