December has been a month of times where I have joined Weight Watchers in the past. I believe the first time I walked into Weight Watchers the first time was 9 years ago this past week. And 3 years ago this week was when I had reached the Weight Watchers Lifetime status.

That status seems ever so far away again.

And last night I became suddenly aware of how much I want to be back at my goal weight again. I’m not going into the details of what made me realize it, but let’s just say I’m not feeling so hot about myself.

It is what it is. And I’ve done what I’ve done.

I can’t keep beating myself up for things that are in the past. So I need to move on, and I must work on changing my habits again.

Changing habits before the holidays begin.

I need to lose weight again.

I don’t know if I’ll post another picture here again. Or even what I weigh in at later today.

But know that I’m going to start doing what I did the last time around. Start doing the things that helped me achieve my goals and keep the accountability going with everyone in my life online. Because sticking myself in a hole is not a good thing. Because hiding does not help one lose weight – especially when said person is a closet binge eater.

Yes. I said it.

But you know what? I feel a little relief with it.

Maybe because I needed to acknowledge it to myself too.

And now I’ll be heading out to face the music.

My head wasn’t in the right place a couple of weeks ago when I wrote that I really needed to lose weight again. In fact, I still cannot completely say today without a shadow of a doubt that it still is.

I just know that my pants don’t fit anymore. As I sit and type this, I can almost feel the seems coming apart… feel the humiliation of what will happen when (inevitably) they break at the most inopportune time.

And it makes me want to cry.

Especially after the horrors of what I did to myself over the last 2 weeks. I could have made good choices, but each and every time I felt sorry for myself (which was a lot by the way) I chose the quick meal that had hundreds (if not thousands) of calories.

Over the last few days, I’ve also been noticing some things in myself that I don’t like. Things like getting out of breath easily at tasks that should be easy for me. Tasks that previously were nothing for me to handle even while doing other things in the process.

So I need to get my butt in gear. For real this time.

Weight Tracker

I actually decided it last night (Sunday)… and promptly made a chart of what my weight is each and every week. An accountability chart if you will. (And I have a plan for accountability on this as well.)

Then shortly after this, I hauled out all the (new to me) Points Plus Weight Watchers materials that I have been holding on to for about a year. I knew the old plan inside & out… and this new plan scared me a little. But now I’ve got to get past this “scared” feeling (aka I’m gonna fail this time) and get back on it. Get back to what I know is right to do.

My Weight Watcher's materials

I wish there was a way for me to be part of the #Mamavation group without trying to be in a contest. If there is… I just can’t figure it out. Meanwhile, I hang out on the hashtag & will continue to try to get motivated to do the right thing – as well as give encouragement too.

In the meantime, I’m going to try to find a new pair of pants today in the next size (or 3) up from where I am.

If nothing else to avoid something horrific happening with the ones I am wearing.