weight loss
Weight Watchers Wednesday: I remember…
Mar 10th
This past weekend, I participated in a writing workshop that in order to get to know the others in the group better the facilitator suggested we write about memories throughout the years. Because I liked this writing exercise, for Weight Watchers Wednesday post today I have decided to let you get to know the “old” me a little better.
I remember falling in love with chocolate… treats given by a doting grandmother for Halloween, Valentine’s Day and Easter. A little baggie filled with these goodies that sometimes never made it through the remainder of the week after receiving it.
I remember being a picky eater as a young child… not because I didn’t like the food but rather that I was scared to try something new, something with color, not knowing if I’d like it or if it would be bitter and “yucky”. This carried on through my adult years, so much so that I am still continually reminded to this day of the person I was by relatives – and now being afraid that they aren’t seeing the person that I am.
I remember as a middle school student staying home from school to eat… and remember eating only things that were in the “sweets” category. Then not wanting to go back to school for fear that I would be found out that I was a liar about my “illness” that I would try to stay home more days than really what was needed. I have to admit that I am so ashamed of recalling and writing this out now because I value education and the continual learning process throughout life.
I remember being in high school and eating the same lunch every day. Ham Sandwich on bun, chips, occationally applesauce or fruit cup and a Little Debbie pack of cakes or bars. Every day. I did this partly because I really, truly believed it was a “healthy” option – but probably more because I had control over what was there and I didn’t have to be ridiculed about what I was choosing… or not choosing… in the hot lunch line.
I remember the many days in college… going to the “fast food” place on campus or, after transferring colleges, using the fast food drive thru’s as my main source of nourishment. A burger and fries. Grilled cheese and fries. Anything and fries. (See a pattern here??) A neighbor recently told my parents that he doesn’t remember me getting out of my car in those days without some type of fast food bag and large drink in my hands.
I remember the first week of my Weight Watchers membership in 2002… when I counted the points for a typical lunch that I would have in the weeks prior, and finding that I ate more points in just that lunch hour than I even had allotted for myself in the entire day. The feeling was horrible. A pit in my stomach… and yet I didn’t truly change my ways until 5 years later.
I will remember more…
What do you remember????
WW Wednesday: I’m so vain…
Mar 3rd
Last night I was working on a bio for my attendance at the Relevant Conference that I’ve recently signed up for. The conference is in October, but many of us that are going are very excited (trust me, you should see the twitter feed as we’ve been discussing the conference… and just remember it’s 8 months away.)
Anyway… I had to submit a picture along with my information… and I thought about trying to get one of the professional pictures I had done last year (wow, was it really a year ago?!?). BUT then tonight, in my pseudo laziness (more lazy than pseudo) I came up with the idea of editing one of my own photos and submitting that instead. Yes, self portrait. And I love it. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it is the picture to the left. 
What do you think?
So you are probably asking yourself, what in the world does this have to do with Weight Watcher’s Wednesday?? Yeah, I was kinda thinking that same thing as I was dreaming up this post in my mind. But then it hit me.
This really does epitomize part of what I have achieved. 4 years ago I couldn’t stand being in pictures, looking at pictures of myself or simply even walking past a mirror at times. I couldn’t stand looking at the person that wasn’t doing anything with her life and was ashamed of who she was. I did things to please others, instead of myself (something that I still fall prey to at times).
I didn’t believe I was beautiful. And because I didn’t believe that, I didn’t have confidence that others would love me (hence the reason for wanting to do things to please others).
But now, look at me at the beginning of this post. I am confident and proud of myself and what I have accomplished — and proud of what I look like.
I almost feel like I can call myself beautiful.
I’m afraid I’d be called vain though.
WW Wednesday Update…
Feb 24th
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know my story… or at least part of it… and why I started this blog started in the first place. (By the way, I have my pictures in my weight loss journey back up on the blog here. The story is coming soon.) Since reaching my lifetime goal though, I’ve become distracted – not only here on the blog (losing your purpose for blogging is VERY hard… just so you know), but also in general terms of life.
I’m not saying I’ve lost my life purpose… because that’s still becoming clear to me, but I’ve lost that little push to workout daily… to eat right at every meal… to be the example to everyone. And now I’ve got that little voice inside me keeps saying that “you’ve got to get back on track… you’ve got to get back on track…” Or maybe that’s just my Weight Watcher’s leader….
What I’d like to do is become one of those skinny girls that you see out with their friends at local restaurants… bars… pool halls… wherever. You know the ones… they have a SUPER fast metabolism, and incidentally are also SUPER young… and can eat or drink seemingly whatever they want.
So not fair. I totally missed out on that. Boo.
Anyway… what was I saying?
Oh yeah… that I’ve seemingly lost my blogging purpose. Right.
So I am trying to get back on track… not only with what I am writing about (thanks to the Lady Bloggers Society – I am getting a plan of action in order) but also with the food that I have around me each day. And for this, I desperately need to go to the grocery store. So desperately. But I fear going to the grocery store because those Oreos have been calling my name ever since a couple of weeks ago when I was discussing them in a wonderful frozen format via Twitter with Gitzen Girl.
Seriously… frozen oreos are the best… or maybe frozen chocolate covered oreos… Mmmmm….
Ummm… sorry I just slipped into an Oreo food coma there and distracted myself.
So now you can see why I haven’t really been losing weight… all the distractions in life. They surround me, they surround you… we all just need to power through here somehow. Just how for me is yet to be determined. I’m working hard at it though– and trying to stay the course as much as I can. So far the week has been good to me.
And I promised my Weight Watcher’s leader that next Wednesday I would come back to a meeting. That I would see my friends there and catch up with everyone. I’m a little scared about weigh in… I don’t know why… after all I know what the number says on my scale at home.
So there’s my update on the Weight Watchers course.
How are you doing?
Sometimes you feel like a nut…
Feb 3rd
I know today’s blog lyric title is not from a song… or at least a true song that I can find. But it’s from a commercial. The only thing is I can’t remember what candy bar (or bars?) the commercial was promoting. Anyway… last night I felt like a nut — and thus the blog title was born.
Let me back up a little. Since this blog was born to share my weight loss story and my life, I have done this a number of times. I have spoken a few times about this journey, but mostly to smaller groups like my Weight Watcher’s meeting or a church group. The only “large scale group” that I spoke to was for the Rachael Ray show — but that was much shorter.
So a few weeks ago my trainer asked me if I would be willing to share my weight loss journey and goals through the process with the weight loss challenge group at my health club. For some crazy reason, I said yes. I’m not a public speaker… but yet I say yes. (I finally know why I do this…)
I’m not a public speaker… but yet I say yes. (I finally know why I do this…)
As the days got closer, the time seemed to dwindle to prepare for it. And then yesterday happened. I had an extremely busy day at work, leaving me essentially no time to think about anything other than what had to be done there. In other words… I didn’t prepare for this. Oops.
I stood at the front of the room and I felt like a nut. I had my “outline” that I created in about the 20-30 minutes prior, but I should have had my old size 28 jeans. I should have had pictures blown up to 8×10 so that they would be easier to see. I should have… I should have… I should have…
But overall it didn’t go too badly – I was just SUPER nervous at the beginning leading me to ramble a little bit. I also didn’t know what the trainers were really looking for, so maybe next time (if there’s a next time) I know what questions to ask before hand.
I’m hoping that by giving this talk tonight it will help me redefine some of the things I’ve been writing about in my journey. Things I’ve been trying to recall… and things i’ve been trying to forget. You know those moments where all you want to do is hide under a table. Yeah, that’s me for most of my life. And tonight for the first 30 seconds, I think I was wanting to be back under the table.
Thankfully, the rest of the 15 minutes (about) went well and I even got some questions. As I was finishing my workout (after the talk) one of the people that was there for the seminar came up to me to tell me that it went well. That was good to hear.
Maybe I’ll do it again… maybe not. Really my goal in all of this is still the same. Show others that they can do the same things I did… because all I did was to work hard and reach a goal I set. I know that simplifies it far too much, but sometimes you have to have the goal in mind before you start the journey.
On the edge of breaking down…
Feb 1st
That title desperately describes what I’ve been feeling in the past 36 hours — or maybe even a little more than that. With the pain that I’ve been experiencing, I haven’t really cared about much else in life. Not about laundry, cleaning or frankly anything that’s been entering my mouth. And I’ve been tired. So that doesn’t help my choices with food either.
And while the pain in my jaw has subsided quite a bit — partly due to the pain medication, mostly {I think} due to the massage I got last week — I’m still not making good choices.
It’s been 10+ days since I’ve logged anything in my food tracker. And my weight has PAID FOR IT. I officially am now about 15 pounds over goal. I am feeling crappy about myself and decided last night that THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. I need to change my mentality about a lot of things. I need to love myself. I need to find the quality in me that I am worth. I need to find a purpose in some things that I’ve been working toward.
As I was looking back over my previous blogs this weekend, I realized that I never really set clear goals for myself. So on this first day of February I am setting up some new goals… 11 goals for the next 11 months. And each month I will be updating to showcase my progress for each one of these goals.
1. Write, write, write… as many days as possible. The first part of this goal would be posting one new blog per day here… the other part of the goal would be to post weekly on my writing blog.
2. Take a photo everyday — and post it on my new Project 365 blog.
3. Host a girls night out — or in! Serve drinks, play games and just have a grand time with friends.
4. Track my food. While I am going to “take a break” from the Weight Watcher’s meetings for a bit (only for part of the month of February — just to save the $13/week that it’s costing me right now), I am going to get this part of me BACK ON TRACK. Once I am back to goal weight (or as close to it by the end of the month), I will get back to the meetings.
5. Run in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run. While my goal right now is to do the 25k, I may be changing this to the 10k to make it more manageable for myself. More to come on this soon…
6. Read and comment on at least 5 blogs daily. This can easily be done on a lunch hour — or even as I am getting ready for bed at night. I’ve been trying to be an active member of SITS for a while — and I think this may be the best way to get and keep me involved.
7. Invite my family over for Sunday lunch… and try a new recipe out on them. Ever since moving into my condo all of my immediate family members (ok, now with the exception of the newborn nephew) have been over, but not all at once. I have gone over to each of their homes for a meal, and now would like to return the honor to them.
8. Exercise at least 5 days each week… more if able. Lately I’ve been getting to the gym 3 times a week… or maybe 4 if I’m lucky. With as much as I’m spending on this membership, I need to be there a whole lot more than what I have been.
9. Read one chapter of the Bible daily… or better yet, do the Bible in 90 days reading plan this summer if I do not participate in any online Bible studies.
10. Clean my house for 20 minutes per day. This might not seem like a lot, but I figure if I do a little bit everyday (especially since most of that time is now spent on wasted things like Facebook currently) that I will feel more in control overall. Not to mention, I won’t be spending hours on the weekends doing
11. Go to the movie theater and see a movie by myself. You might think I am weird for doing this, but I think it will be very self empowering. Either that or I will regret every minute of it.
*bonus* Move this blog back to Wordpress. Both of my other blogs (see above) are on their system… and I need to move this one back there. I just don’t want anything to be inturrupted for my loyal readers — and I want to have the ability to customize certain things as well. I have some books from the library on it right now… hopefully they will actually be helpful.
So overall, I don’t know if this will help me regain the control I’ve been lacking… or if it will help me realize who I am… but it’s a start to helping me live the way that I need to.
*today’s lyric title: Simple Plan – “Welcome to my Life”
I’m my own worst enemy…
Jan 15th
I woke up this morning feeling renewed in my day. Feeling energized after rolling out of bed despite the 4:55am alarm (well, including a couple of “snooze” sessions.) I was ready to tackle this day and stay on plan today. Last night before going to bed, I wrote out {almost} everything I was planning to eat today. I had everything packed and ready to go. I was prepared.
After all, yesterday I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t plan. I had no self control. The day before I almost stayed on plan (the only thing that kept me 1/2 way decent was knowing that my weigh in was the next day. And truth be told, the only good thing about Monday and Tuesday was that I halfheartedly tried to track.
All in all, while I lost 3 pounds at my weigh-in yesterday morning (YAY!), it was not truly a victory for me as I really had not done and followed the Weight Watcher’s plan to the fullest extent of what I would like. My goal is to change that this week. I would like to get my GHG’s in each day going forward (as it didn’t happen yesterday) — and to be able to stay within my point target for the day that I have set. But I’m also trying not to sacrifice some of my favorite things to eat. You see, that’s the part I’m failing on.
So back to this morning. At 4:55am I was rolling out of bed and by 5:10 (ok, maybe closer to 5:15) I was on my way to the health club for some much needed cardio. After all I haven’t had any workout since Tuesday. I got to class and it was looking like a typical day for us… and then a group of high school kids walked in. Our class that is “normally” (for 5:30am) about 5-6 people big… all of a sudden was at 21!! AWESOME!!! The energy in the room really changes when there are more people there. Class was great — the kids did amazing for their first time (and it being 5:30am) and I left there feeling like I could conquer the world. Ok, maybe not quite conquer the world… but definitely conquer my day.
According to the plan I have set – I’m having my Weight Watcher’s smoothie for breakfast with my 2tsp of EVOO (according to my favorite gal pal Rachael Ray) to fulfill the dairy and oil requirements of the day. Done. Good start for me…
…and this is where I become my own worst enemy. (See how well the lyric title plays into this today?!?) I got to work with a plan. But shortly after I walk in the door, I learn that my boss has graciously brought in cinnamon rolls. A BAKERY CINNAMON ROLL PEOPLE. My favorite breakfast food.
I resisted. I didn’t say no, but I put it in my head that I just couldn’t have it. I just wanted to stay on track today. But then I walked past them. And then I walked past again when I was hungry. I *should* have walked back to my desk to have the banana I brought. But I didn’t.
I *CHOSE* to have part of a cinnamon roll. At least I chose only part of it — and not the whole thing. But I’m feeling guilty and wondering why lately I am still not able to resist temptations. Earlier this week it was potato chips. Now cinnamon rolls. What’s next???
Knowing that I can have anything in moderation helps, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better about abandoning my plan for the day… just because food was brought into the office.
Now I feel blah. Not terrible… not hungry or stuffed… just blah.
I’m going to eat my banana now, just to make me feel like I’m doing SOMETHING right.
*today’s lyric title: P!nk – “Don’t Let Me Get Me”
Progress…
Jan 11th
Just a quick update on my weekend. I exercised. I tracked what I ate. No really, I tracked EVERYTHING I ate. I’m astounded by this. Why? Because I’ve stepped on my scale this morning and am -thisclose- to being back within my goal range. It might not happen this week (although I still have til Thursday and you just never know what kind of tricks I might pull out of my proverbial hat. You never know… I could just be an amazing wonder here. (Yeah, right.)
This weekend I also started thinking about why it is that I can’t seem to get past the next “step” in my weight loss. I had reached my lowest weight ever on my 32nd Birthday in October (and might I add… what a nice birthday gift that was!)
After much thought about why I can’t seem to get to my personal goal, I’ve come to these conclusions….
~ I’ve not accepted myself as I am now.
~ I’m scared to be thin and what that entails… because I don’t know “how” to be thin.
~ I need to find the confidence that I hid when I was overweight so that I can complete this transformation that has taken place. (I’ve recovered some of it… but there’s still a part of me that’s hiding I think…ummm… I know.)
I know there’s probably a lot more to it. I know I’ve blogged about some of this before… so I apologize if I say the same things and haven’t learned anything new as of yet.
Back to day 1…
Jan 8th
Ok… I said I had a gain yesterday right? Yeah, well… last night it hit me. I shouldn’t have gains like this. For goodness sakes I’m on freaking maintenance with Weight Watchers. I should know that I need to track through the holidays. That should really be my goal for next year.
Well, with that lesson (and horrible feelings) behind me, I spent part of the day yesterday going back to WW 101. Yes, it was very similiar to going back to school… re-learning everything that I seemed to have known.
Like Tracking.
Seriously, I should be a pro at tracking. After all, I’ve been a member of this program for more than 4 years straight now (really, 4 YEARS?!?!) and I have a number of {empty} journals scattered about the house.
I also know that I need to workout in order to lose weight. I had intended to get up yesterday morning before my {craptastic} weigh in so that I could get a run in. And all I did was go back to sleep. Smart. The only good thing about yesterday is that I stuck to my (revised) plan and only went 2 points over for the day. 24 point day to start back with. Not bad.
Here I am. Friday morning. I have 1 day of tracking behind me (including the fabulousness of having to change things up because we had lunch brought in — and I *did* choose a healthy option!) I did get up this morning and made my way {slowly} to the gym. If it weren’t for this GroupKick class — or possibly now the fact that I *must* run to train for the 25k — I wouldn’t have taken the chance. No way.
So now I have a goal – something to work toward until May 8… and then need to keep it going until July 16 so I can look fabulous (however, a little less than the bride) for my brother’s wedding. It also gives me a bigger thing to work toward this year — like the Breast Cancer 3-day did for me in 2008, and the mission trip to the Dominican Republic did for me in 2009.
Now I just need to keep this motivation going each day.
And then my next question should be… where did this motivation go after I had achieved my goal?
I’m guessing this is another blog for another time.
Blogcation…
Jan 7th
So I’m stealing this idea from another blogger… but I took a *serious* blogcation. I didn’t know that it was going to happen — but that’s what a real vacation does to you. Anyway, I’m back. I had a great time while I was away, but I’ve been back for long enough (1.5 days now) that I should have already had a blog in the works. I’ll blame the business of returning from vacation. Yeah. Right.
I’m still working on going through my photo highlights from the trip to Albuquerque — hoping that early next week I’ll have them ready to post here for you all to enjoy!
As for other updates on me…
…I had my {horrible} post-holiday, post-vacation weigh in this morning. I know what I’ve done and what I need to do to get back on track. As I learned in my WW meeting (and from the new handy-dandy materials that they are handing out each week) tracking is key. Getting in the good health guidelines is key. That is my goal for the next week. Tracking and Good health guidelines.
…I haven’t had a good work out in more than a week now. I intended on getting up this morning at 5am to do a small run and either get some strength training in or more cardio, but I choose to sleep. Starting tomorrow morning this changes. I will be doing the GroupKick class at my gym & possibly even trying to get in a 1.5 mile run before if I can get my sorry self out of bed early enough.
…I am {officially} signing up tomorrow night for the Riverbank 25k that is held on May 8. I think the most I’ve ever run is about 4-4.5 miles, so this will be a big step up for me. I’m determined to follow the training program that they have set up (and possibly participate in the “Gazoom” training in Holland for additional support.) I have a goal of finishing in under 3 hours… so that’s what I’m ultimately going to work toward during this.
I’m sure there’s more to update about, but my brain is in overdrive prepping for the work projects that need to be done (and which is preventing me from blog hopping as I would like on my lunch hour today.) Hopefully I will be able to catch up a little, get things back in order before the craziness of my year starts taking over once again.
Confessions…
Dec 28th
…I am not the perfect weight watcher. A look at the scale this morning tells me that. In fact, it was a number on the verge of me crying. This number should have pushed me into pulling out my Weight Watcher’s materials a few days prior to the new year, but instead I found myself at the Wendy’s drive thru for lunch.
In 2010… I will exercise at least 5 days a week for 60 minutes each day. I will track as best I can (I know it will not be perfect) and fulfill as many of the Weight Watchers healthy guidelines as possible. I will commit to attend the “Awesome Abs” class at my gym at least once per week to gain strength in that area (as my abs are still pretty weak.) I am also going to take on a challenge for 30 days following my return from vacation on January 5… I will not eat at a fast food restaurant during this time. I will plan my meals and stick to eating them to get myself back into plan.
…I have much higher aspirations for my writing than I follow through with. At the beginning of the weekend, I wanted to write the next part of this story – with more of a focus on the elderly woman and her part in the story. But as with lots of aspirations that I had this weekend, this one did not come to fruition either.
In 2010… I will set aside time once per week dedicated to writing off the blog. I will continue to develop both my fiction stories as well as my own personal weight loss story. When I feel comfortable with what I am writing (or have written), I will publish it on the blog.
…I don’t have a clean house. Again. Or maybe I should say still. My kitchen is somewhat clean (although I should get out my handy-dandy mop thingy to clean the floors.) My living room looks like a recycling center threw up in it. It’s so bad that I’m keeping my blinds closed for fear my neighbors might be able to see in as they drive past. My laundry (I think) is still sitting in the dryer and needs to be folded. Not to mention that I don’t remember the last time I vacuumed well. Oh yeah, and there’s trash duty too.
In 2010… I am going to clean up the little things as I go. I will organize room by room to make sure that nothing is missed. This week yet, I will take down my Christmas tree and re-organize the living room a little. When I return from vacation, I will make up the guest bed (just to make it look a little more “appealing” in that room, instead of “storage like”) and then vacuum the whole house — moving furniture and everything!
…I have credit card debt. This one is really hard for me to admit because of what I do for a living, but it is common among many so I wanted to put it out there. I did it to myself through a couple of trips in 2008 and 2009 and to pay for some things that I would have not normally had to pay for if the economy didn’t have such a tumble.
In 2010… I will pay off this credit card debt and will celebrate it here on my blog. It will be lots of little steps, but I think it is manageable as long as I follow a budget that I am working to set up. I’m hoping that with the economy and stock markets back to higher levels and showing strength that some of my benefits will be returned to make this a little less stressful on me.
…I want to learn more about web design and html code. I tried earlier this year, but failed miserably at it. If I can learn this stuff, I can make my blog a bit more “fun” and creative – a true reflection of me.
In 2010… I will read a couple of books on HTML and try my best to learn it. I will also try my hand at Wordpress once again and try to find a way to make their templates work with what I want.
…I haven’t ever gone to a movie by myself. I think it’s the fear of being judged. I think it’s a fear of always being by myself, of feeling alone. I should have done that earlier this year when I went to Julie & Julia — or I should say essentially I did as the person I went with slept through the whole movie. I haven’t seen or done anything with her since. Not sure if that’s a coincidence or not.
In 2010… I will find a movie that I want to go to — and I will go to it by myself. And not be ashamed that I am there alone.
…I want to take a road trip to nowhere. Maybe even stay overnight or something. How fun would that be to just take off for a weekend without any plans to do anything except just hit the open road.
In 2010… I will take a road trip to nowhere, on a budget of course. I really should see another new state or two to mark off my lifelist.
