Written on November 15, 2010
I saw myself.
I REALLY saw myself.
I look fat.
I feel fat.
I hate this feeling. I hate being so tired. I hate having no motivation. I hate seeing my clothes not fit the way that I want, er… need them too. I hate
And I wanted to cry. Cry tears that would not stop… because as I said last week, I’ve gained some of the weight back. I can no longer say that I’m maintaining a 160 pound weight loss. I can no longer say that I’m half the size I used to be.
But I want to change. I want to be back there so badly. I want to be back in the shape I was when I was working out one-on-one with my personal trainer. I want to not have to pay to go to my Weight Watcher’s meetings.
So with that, I committing to running the Riverbank 25k next year.
Yes, I know I committed to it last year and then chickened out. But this year will be different. I’m starting my running regimen 2 months earlier than I did last year. And I’ll need every minute of that 2 month advance if I’m going to lose this weight at the same time.
Because if I don’t lose some of this weight again… I’m really afraid that I won’t see myself the way I should.
I want to see myself as beautiful. I want others to see me as beautiful.
And right now that just isn’t happening.
I have friends that tell me that I am… and I truly *want* to believe them. I truly *want* to see it in myself.
But maybe if I can do this one thing – lose the weight again and run the 25k – that maybe I can will see it in myself once and for all. Because I really want to.
How do you see yourself?
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Written on February 17, 2010
Back when I signed up for the 25k in January, I really thought I could do it. I really thought that I had it in me. I thought I could run for almost 3 hours and survive.
Did you know I went crazy back then? I really did. I know that there are many, many people that can run for 3 hours and feel great after. I however, run for 15 minutes and want to throw in the towel. Not to mention that I am the SLOWEST runner of anyone that signed up for the running program at my club. OUCH. So here I am… trying to train by myself – in pain from the jaw issue – and not wanting to do it. Hmmm… can anyone guess what I’m about to say next? 
I am no longer running the 25k in May — wow. I wrote it. I’m ok with it. I’m actually deliriously happy about it.
And while I am not running myself into a crazy oblivion… I am still going to challenge myself and run the 10k. I can totally accomplish this — and feel like I can try to improve my time over my one and only 5k. So in other words… I want to essentially finish in under an hour. Maybe I can really strike a crazy fancy and make my goal to be 55 minutes. I don’t know why, but it sounds better than an hour.
In all of this, I discovered something about myself. I do things to “impress” other people. I have the accomplishments set to show other people that I can do anything… but guess what — I know I can do anything… after all I lost 160 pounds without trying to “impress” anyone. I did it for me. I did it for my health. And if I am brutally honest with myself – I did it to have new adventures that I knew would not be possible without losing the weight. {Some of these adventures I imagined have not yet come to fruition… but I have faith.}
I can do anything… and that’s what I want to share with the world. It’s possible. Because if I did it — a girl that procrastintes in most things, a girl that has very little self-control and a girl that scares easily & will run from the unknown — ANYONE can do it.
Written on December 29, 2009
I know that this is the 2nd blog post of the day… but I didn’t blog this weekend, so I’m hoping that you all will forgive me and let me make it up to you.
I have a confession: I don’t start new “Labels” for my blog very often. In fact, recently I have been known to get re-”label” some of my posts as they don’t fit the categories as I would like them to. (And may still be doing this for the “life” and “weight loss” posts to define them a bit more & better.)
But I am starting a new category today. And to be perfectly honest, I am terrified to do it.
Let me back up a little…
A couple of weeks ago, a friend from the gym asked if I wanted to run the
25k Riverbank Run . My gut reaction was “HELL NO!!!” and laughter. (At least that’s what happened in my head… I think my
actual reaction might have been more like “No way, Are you crazy?!?!” along with laughter on my part.) Well, after talking to a few people, I am further into this point. Further into saying (and almost committing)…
I am thinking about running a 25k.
Yeah, you read that right.
A 25k.
(That’s 15.53 miles for those who wonder… my co-worker was nice enough to point that out to me.)
So here I am 2 weeks later… ACTUALLY still considering this yet. And I just realized (after looking training program) that I am a month behind with it too.)
Twenty-five kilometers.
This bring me to the point that I am starting a “running” category/label. Meaning there might actually be posts about me running a zillion miles this spring all for this one {crazy} goal.
I am going to say publicly that *IF* I do this, I want…
1) …to have my immediate family’s full support… meaning they ALL BETTER BE THERE when I cross the finish line. (A bonus would be if some aunts/uncles/cousins would be there too!)
2) …to train with people… so that means that I’m actually going to commit to running with the training team at Gazelle Sports.
3) …to be guaranteed that I won’t die.
I really can’t believe this. All I wanted to do this year was “tone up” and look great for my brother’s wedding. Well, I guess this might just be a way to do it.
I never thought that I’d even consider this…….
Now I might have just talked myself into it.
