This isn’t a topic I really *wanted* to write about… but yet I find myself doing it. So I’m limiting myself to 5 minutes. 5 minutes of trying to get these feelings out and trying to figure out how I can overcome these feelings. I’m just hoping that 5 minutes will be able help me heal just a little bit.

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All I’ve wanted in my life is to be wanted. To be somewhere that SOMEONE wants me to be close, someone somewhere wants me to be with them. That I am worthy of being there. That I am somehow needed to be in that place for a reason.

But yet, over and over in my life… whenever I’ve wished most that I could be needed, wanted… whatever… I’ve found that I’m rejected.

Maybe it’s just my expectation of what I think should be in my life just isn’t ever the case.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m ever so grateful for a family that loves and cares about me (and feeling this even more so in the last few months) and I’m blessed with blog friends from all over the globe that have supported me in a struggle and I can’t even begin to thank each one of them for this.

But yet, over and over… there are times that I feel that sting of rejection.

The times that I liked the boy and he didn’t want anything to do with me.

The (multiple) times that I had friends tell me they didn’t want anything to do with me. Both in high school and after college.

The times where I told myself that I couldn’t cut it.

And now there’s stuff happening where I’m left in limbo of being not sure if I’m wanted again.

And in the end, I know that each of these events is a trigger that something needs to change.

But with this most recent one, I just don’t know what exactly that change is yet.

Hopefully soon I will.

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Linked up with…

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Happy 2012 my friends! I had so many great expectations of what I wanted my first post of the year to be like… and then decided that what I was dreaming up in my head would take far too much time (not to mention effort in the coming months) to follow through on.

So I decided to join in with All Things Fadra on her Stream of Consciousness Sunday post once again. And in 2012, my plan is to participate each week again.

Here goes nothing…

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There are a number of things that I’d like to do in 2012.

1. I’d like to clean out my email boxes. I have far too much spam coming into them (or “offers” if you are the company sending) right now.
2. I’d like to read a book a month. Participating in Great Thought’s book club helps a lot with this, but I have some books that have been on my list for quite sometime that a) I’ve not finished or b) are gathering dust.
3. I’d like to blog regularly again. This is my outlet. This is really how I heal myself and work through the issues that I’m dealing with… whether it involves weight loss, dating or just random things in life.

But I’d also like to do something bigger this year. That’s why I decided to do Fitarella’s #12in12. Do one thing each month for the number of days specified in each month. It doesn’t have to be something that you change about yourself forever, but rather something you dedicate to do for that specified time. Check out her video… I’m really liking this idea.

Anyway… to start off the new year with a bang (so to speak), the thing I’m doing for January is tracking my food everyday. I just re-upped my membership to Weight Watchers and really would like to get back to goal weight this year (by my birthday if possible!) so this would set the course for me to achieve that.

What do you have planned for the new year? Any goals or resolutions?