I’ve been participating with a group reading the Bible in 90 days (#B90days)… and have been learning so much through it. One thing is that I need to spend more (quality) time to really get reading. That means you know what I’ll be doing tonight, tomorrow and Sunday to catch up. Right now I’m about 4 days behind… but it’s still manageable I think.

Right now I’m working through day 10 and getting myself through Leviticus. So far not so bad – but it definitely takes work… so if you think about doing it in the future be sure to give up something. For me, well… it’s been sleep. That’s the other thing that I’m going to be working on this weekend.

Anyway – back to what I was saying (sorry, got a little off course)…

As I’ve been reading through the journey of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph & Moses over the last 2 weeks, something has occurred to me. Why do some names last through the generations and others don’t?

For the most part, I can find people in my life that are named or have named their children some variation that can be linked to a “major” Biblical character’s name. (Someone in the lineage or significant role in the Bible.) Well… the popular names. Adam, Noah, Peter, Paul, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Joshua, Abram, Timothy… even Moses (if you count Gweneth Paltrow as one of my close personal buddies. Haha!)  Really the list can go on and on and on (and I’m only using the male examples here!)

But what about the other major players in the Bible? Or the others that are in the lineage of Jesus?

What happened to the names of Cain and Abel, or Shem, Ham and Japeth? Or how about Jacob & Joseph’s sons Gad, Naphtali, Issachar, Ephraim and Manasseh? Their names (in cultures that I am aware of ) haven’t stood the test of time. Really… can you imagine a little boy being named Naphtali in today’s culture?

I’m not sure why this intrigues me so much… but it does. Why do some names last centuries and others fly like the wind?!

Then there’s the celebrity names that all but make me roll my eyes when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. Gaia, Charlie Tulip, Rain India, Peanut Kai, Zuma Nesta Rock are among them. And all of these are girls names… I coudn’t even start looking at all of the boys names! Ha!

Who knows… but I’m one that hopes this crazy celebrity name trend ends soon.

Not that the name Moses is crazy.

What’s your favorite name?

I’m not sure why I went to church today. I knew what the sermon was going to be about… after all, we’ve been covering the 10 commandments in order. And we’re up to number 7.

You know the one. “You shall not commit adultery.” {Deuteronomy 5:18}

Even though I knew this, I went anyway. I thought… maybe I’ll get something out of this and be able to apply it to my life in the future. {Which I’m still holding on to whatever hope I have left in this.}

But all it did was make me feel horrible. I learned that God doesn’t directly want us to be happy. He wants us to be faithful… and in our faithfulness {and more specifically for the message today, being faithful in marriage} we will find happiness.

I’m sure that there were people there that needed to hear this message. But not me. Not today.

I’m still waiting for a number of things in my life to change — most specifically… for that knight in shining armor – or whatever kind of armor he’s going to show up in. Really, I’m not picky. A couple of my close friends could tell you… I’ll go on a date with just about anyone once. And if you can talk in complete sentences and carry a conversation… well shoot – you’re the pick of the litter these days. {And if you think I’m kidding about that… you should really see some of the matches I was dealt with my recent stint in the eHarmony arena. Not Kidding.}

But what happens when we’re faithful… we go to church and we live our lives in the best possible way – follow the commands and teachings… and yet we find that happiness eludes us time and time again. When it seems like there really is no hope in the dreams that we’ve held on to for so long – not only in marriage and family… but in so many things.

Or maybe I was supposed to hear this today be cause I am not faithful enough? Do I not read the Bible enough? Is it because I don’t go to church every Sunday… or maybe because I need to volunteer more? Am I supposed to do something more… or something differently… so that God will reward my life with some sort of change that will lead to some of the happiness I long for? (I’m really not even asking for all kinds of happiness here!)

I guess I’m waiting on that message in church where God shows me how to keep faith when it looks like there isn’t going to be a change in sight. When it looks like all hope is lost. I’m waiting on the day where God proves that he DOES have a plan for me… and that it might just come true. Or maybe just some writing on the wall.

There are many things that I am content in with my life right now… but that doesn’t mean I’m happy. I’m far from it. I have a few things that I have been praying about to change… because there just has to be something more. Because being alone really just sucks. {Sorry twitter/bloggy friends… but for the most part, you’re not available for the hug that I need some days… or for the listening ear on others.}

I’ll be better tomorrow. I hope.

But right now I have to go pray. Pray that somehow I can keep going… because any hope I had before today for a life of happiness was just lost.

When my life becomes a crazy mess of all things pushed together… I fall apart. Literally. Remember what all I said I was going to do a month ago? Well, let’s just say it’s all come together in one bit pile o’ poo. {At least I said it nicely.}

And with that… I fell apart last week.

I tried to hold it together. I tried to make it all work. I tried to be everything to myself – and all of my online friends at the same time.

Because I truly want to meet each and every one of them.

I have been so overwhelmed with things in my life that I forced myself to make a very difficult decision. A decision about something that I’ve been looking forward to. A decision that I know will disappoint some people and will likely start people talking about me behind my back. {I hate to say it, but I’m afraid it’s true.}

But now that this decision has been made, I have this incredible peace about the whole situation. It’s crazy how this feels… because I didn’t realize how anxious I had been before. How worked up I had been about the whole thing.

I think when you work too hard at something – or you believe it’s the right thing to do – you become blind to the fact that it might not be a healthy thing for you. It might be because you don’t want to change. Or maybe because you are looking forward to something with so much anticipation it almost consumes you. But sometimes it’s because you feel like it’s the safe option.

Sometimes you have to go against the flow – and really analyze what you want in life. Or rather, what you need out of life. And that’s what I finally did. I looked at what I wanted… or rather needed in my life, and had to make a decision to change something.

While the decision has been made that I will no longer be attending the Relevant Conference – I am still hoping that the friends that I know going to this amazing conference will keep in touch with me. That they will still love me, even though I won’t be able to meet them

I will likely sell my ticket to the conference –if you are interested in it, please e-mail me (dutchbeingme@gmail.com) and/or if I can sell enough cards (100 sets) I will hold up my commitment that I will sponsor someone to go, learn, grow and be blessed at this conference.

This was one of the hardest blog posts I’ve ever written because I’m afraid of disappointing people. But know that it isn’t due to anyone attending the conference, but rather over-extending myself on commitments that I’ve made… and needing to stop and rest for a bit too.

Blessings.

Today I started reading the Bible in 90 days. I’ll admit it, it’s not as easy as I thought day one was going to be — especially since I had done this (albeit short) part of the journey before. I thought it would be a quick 45 minutes of reading followed by breakfast.

That’s not what it was like at all.

I seemingly struggled through every word, every phrase, simply trying to read. But instead every minute or so, I became distracted with other things… not the things around me, but rather thoughts in my head. Thoughts that were crazy and totally unrelated to the reading… thoughts of who “The Nephililium” were (Gen 6:4) and why I had never heard of them before… thoughts of Nimrod taking over the known world and what that must have been like (Gen 10:8-12)… thoughts of being able to watch birds of prey trying to get the carcasses that Abram had just laid out – and Abram driving them away (Gen 15:11).

I know today is the first of many days ahead that I will be distracted by the things in life. But I am going to be much more diligent in my prayers that God calm my thoughts and allow His word to penetrate deep within me.

Just about a year ago I had started this journey, and made it into Leviticus or Numbers before “throwing in the towel.” I’m going to make it the whole way this time. I’m going to rely on my mentors help and direction… I’m going to check in each week with Amy at Mom’s Toolbox… I will support from friends (like you) that I’ve “met” on twitter or from reading your blogs (and in turn, I will support and pray for each of you!)… and I’m going to pray that God show me himself in new ways. I’m going to try to blog about some of what I’ve learned, either about myself or new things God is showing me within His word… but I can’t promise that they’ll be regular. Although maybe I’ll surprise myself.

I’m off now for the weekly check-in with Amy @ Mom’s Toolbox — once you’ve completed the reading, don’t forget to do that!! And if you are still contemplating the idea of signing up, there’s still time. Go check out this information and prayerfully consider it. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

Even through the struggles that I went through today, I was blessed in remembering stories that I had not read in a year. I was blessed in remembering that God will provide when he makes promises. And I am blessed in knowing that there are 300+ individuals reading the same passages that I am daily… and that are praying for me to continue through this journey as well.

How did the first day go for you? Are you struggling already like me?

Next week I’m taking on a new challenge… reading the Bible in 90 days. Not only will it cross off another item from my 101 things to do in 1001 days list, but I am looking forward to this experience for another reason.

To grow deeper in my faith.

Lately – as you might have been able to tell from reading my post earlier this week about the “role I want” – I’m really struggling with who I am again. Not sure why… but it seems to come in spurts. For a while I know exactly what I’m living for, what my goals are (etc.) and then one day it’s like it all hits me and I’m down for the count. I really think it’s the attacks of the enemy.

So I’m going to REALLY learn God’s word. And I would love it if you would consider joining me.

As Amy (the facilitator) has been saying all through this week on her blog, this is not an easy journey and that sacrifices need to be made. Yesterday, I thought long and hard about it and I’m going to give up workouts an hour of internet time each day. Or maybe I’ll really sacrifice and get up at 5:30am to read. (But I’m not counting on the fact that my body will allow me to do such things.

I tried this journey before… but I was also working through Beth Moore’s “Esther” Study… and could not handle both at one time. Not that I didn’t want to, but because I just had no more time on my hands to do both studies. (And believe it or not, at that time I wasn’t even on twitter yet! Hence the reason I’m giving up an hour of internet time.)

So now I feel like I am ready – like God has prepared me for this – and that I can totally do this.

I’ll admit I’m a little nervous. Nervous about how much work it will truly be, and nervous about what I will learn. But I think the excitement of what God will show me in this 90 day journey is definitely overpowering anything else.

I can’t wait to meet my mentor as well as the (so far) 245 others that are taking this challenge with me starting next Monday, July 5. Are you interested in taking the Bible in 90 days challenge? If so… go to Mom’s Toolbox and sign up — and then fill out this form for her too!

Ok… first, as you probably notice there’s some changes going on around here on my blog. Good things. No, make that GREAT things. I’m so excited I can hardly contain myself. Seriously. But that’s not what today’s blog is about. Far from it actually…

It’s actually about struggles in your (or my) life.

Do you ever seem to notice that when you are struggling with something, everything around you seems to be pointed toward that one or multiple thing(s) that you are “missing”? Or that the things you are struggling with just seems to become more elevated as you pass through them.

This happened to me this weekend. Everywhere I looked, read and watched became consumed with what I have been struggling with. Other people brought it up to me, commercials on tv, discussions on the web… it seemed for a while that everything in the world was against me. I actually tried turn away from everything and be in silence for a while.

But even as I sat in silence, my thoughts overwhelmed me and the struggles continued.

Why is this? Why is it that we let ourselves feel so crazy over something that we (usually) have no control over? Solomon wrote “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” (Proverbs 16:3)

Why don’t we let go of our struggles easily and give them up to God? Why do we hold onto things and try to fix them so much so… that sometimes we make it worse for ourselves? I will be the first person to say that I am not innocent in that. I am one of the biggest control-freak people out there. But I know it. And I’m honestly trying to work on it.

The reason why we don’t let things go? It’s hard to give things up. Whether you are a control freak like me or not… it’s just hard.

As you have been reading here recently, I’ve been trying to let things go. To give up control. But sometimes I think that the control within us isn’t the issue. What if God is allowing the enemy to refine us as He allowed with Job. Or maybe it is spiritual battles taking place in the heavenlies over the works that God has planned for us that the enemy is trying to destroy.

What Peter wrote to the early Christians I think applies to us today… “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (2 Peter 4:12-13)

And Paul contributes much the same to the church in Philippi… “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippeans 4:6)

While the things that I struggle with are different than your battles, we each need to pray – and be thankful for our struggles.

There’s no doubt that the “with thanksgiving” part is the hardest in my life. Rarely can I be found as a thankful person for the trials that I am going through.  

How about with you? What are your thoughts about the struggles you go (or have gone) through?? Do you have any words of wisdom for me or others?

I think Mother Teresa said it best, “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.”

Have you ever noticed that in life, it’s really about the follow through? It’s not only about the commitments that you make, but that you follow through on them. It’s not only the plans for things you intend to do, but to actually do them.

I’ve had this problem recently in a few areas in my life. I’m not happy that the follow through isn’t there. I have lost my discipline… my “just do it” attitude. And that sucks. I’ve gained some weight back. I feel somewhat lost in the “faith” part of my life that a mere year ago, I was secure in and would have been excited to share what was happening.

But something happened after the mission trip I went on last year. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever shared the full story here…

Last year I truly felt that God was going to change something in my life. Change where I live, my vocation, or maybe that I would meet that “someone special”. I had this feeling since early in the year… and I kept praying about it, wanting to know more. But the only “more” that I ever got was a feeling that something would happen after the mission trip. So I let it go to God. (Kinda like what I should be doing again… but I digress…)

During the mission trip, we had a wonderful time – many amazing experiences – but we had communication issues with connecting to the internet. We couldn’t overcome them. So mid-week we got a cell phone with a calling card and called home once each to let our families know we were ok, all was going well, etc.

I think it was late Wednesday night that I started getting the feeling that I had a message on my cell phone that I had to get to. Something that was urgent. But I was in another country and I don’t think my cell plan would have coverage – so I prayed for the next 3 days that the opportunity (or whatever it was) would still be available for me when I returned to the states. I had no idea as we landed in Miami that I would have a phone call from Weight Watchers about my appearance on the Rachael Ray Show. And that message was left on Tuesday or Wednesday.

The Rachael Ray Show experience was amazing — but at the same time, in that experience I think I may have assumed God had answered that prayer. And He was done. And I took back the controls of my life.

Somewhere along with that, I stopped praying about everything that I had yearned for and what was next for my life. But I did.

I almost don’t dare say this out loud… but this past week I realized (in that sickeningly painful way) that I feel lost in life and in my faith. You don’t know how much it hurts to say that. My faith is my ROCK. I go to church every Sunday and I *WANT* to learn more about the Bible, the history and what is going to happen. But I don’t do anything about it once I step through the doors of the church.

The follow through that I had once with my prayer and devotional life has lost it’s commitment level. I need to do more than SAY I’m going to do it. That’s where the follow through comes in. I need to DO the Bible Study that I’m *leading* rather than a quick read-through “catch-up” on the day of the class. And I need to ACTUALLY get on my knees (or as Beth Moore recommends – on my face) and lay it all out.

I’m not sure what to say next… I’m not sure how to feel about all of this… I’m just not sure. But I know that God is real, and I know that He loves me – and that He has a plan for my life. I just wish I knew if the plan was to stay or go out into the world. I wish many things… but now I need to start praying about them. And following through — and ACTUALLY praying.

What follow through issues have you had in the past? How have you overcome them?

More to come about follow through and feeling lost in my weight loss journey on Wednesday…
Stay tuned…

Some of you have followed my journey for a long while… some of you are fairly new to the journey I’ve been on. By now I’m sure that you know I’ve been through a weight loss journey, one that literally changed my life, change my outlook and changed much of who I am and what I believe I can do.

But there’s one thing that hasn’t changed in my life.

My faith has been my rock. My faith has been a source of joy for me – not only because I love Jesus and want to know more about my faith, my church, and the Bible – but also because it has connected me countless friends that have supported me throughout my weight loss journey.

But I’m not perfect.

Throughout this journey I have held tight to the control. I have released some things to God, but then quickly take them back because I didn’t want something to change, I didn’t want to let go of the stronghold, I didn’t want to be seen as “weak”.

And then something happened on Tuesday.

I was watching the Gather in Spirit coordinators talk on the web about their faith and why they choose to blog about their faith. I realized that I had almost completely abandoned this part of my life on my blog in the past few months.

So many other things concerned me. Things that should not have concerned me.

Because there is so much more happening around me. Many amazing things in my faith, many cool things that I could write about. But that means I have to let go of my control. I have to let go of what I *want* to write about… and rely on God to provide me the words that He wants me to say.

There will be more about this in the coming weeks… but just know. I am surrendering and I hope you all will be blessed by the things I will be sharing in the coming days, weeks and months.

This is an amazing journey.

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A little boy.

Taken too soon.

A life ended when it should have just been beginning.

Cancer strikes again.

A 2 year old little boy, Ethan Loney passed away on Friday. I didn’t know him, but through a bloggy friend – Supah Mommy – I learned that his last wish was to meet Crosby… the mascot for the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Unfortunately his wish didn’t happen… but instead - this little boy is in heaven now. Cancer free. Playing with the angels… because that’s how I imagine all kids who go to heaven too soon. Healed and playing like they couldn’t do while here on earth.

So I - along with a number of other bloggers from around the country – released a white balloon in this little boy’s memory.

I decided to draw a penguin on mine — only because I knew how much he wanted to meet Crosby.

In memory of Ethan.

Ethan’s family will be remembering his life this week. Please be praying for them as they go through this loss — that God gives them peace and comfort where they didn’t think any could exist. I pray that their family and friend surround them now… but also on the days when things will seem so difficult, the birthdays, holidays — and the days that they would be doing everyday things as a family.

To look at more memories/balloon releases for little Ethan from other bloggers – go to Supah Mommy’s blog here.

And please, please, please keep Supah’s friend Jaden – another little guy with cancer – in your prayers as well. His story can be found here.

Last night I listened/watched online (to be honest I listened much more than I watched) the Help Haiti Live event that Compassion put on to raise money and re-ignite some of the interest that has been lost now for the plight of the Haitians since the media presence has dwidled. Especially now that there has been another major earthquake in Chile. (From what I understand, Chileans are pretty used to having earthquakes… but this was MAJOR… so definitely keep them in your prayers along with the Haitian people.)

Anyway, during the concert – Shaun Groves told some stories and then near the end… gave a challenge. He said “Now that you know, what will you do?”

This question speaks to me on so many levels. After seeing the need in the Dominican Republic, I truly didn’t know what more I could do. I’m not someone (or at least as of this writing) who is going to get up, move to a 3rd world country and serve God’s people that way. Not saying that God won’t call me to it, I just don’t think that’s where God wants to use my talents in this life.

I know that God has big plans for me. I’m just not entirely sure of what they are… other than that I have to keep writing about my weight loss journey. That I know. After all, HE needs to be given the glory for what he enabled me to accomplish… and now maintain. I’m just not sure how this will completely finalize itself out yet… but I’m looking into some things. Good things.

Next week I am taking another writing workshop. I’m hoping to get back into my “groove” (so to speak) and get another segment of my weight loss story completed. One step closer to getting it all in book form. One step closer to helping others learn from my mistakes in life… or even my regrets… and hope that they can begin living their fullest life sooner than what I did.

I’m also trying to take this blog to “the next level”. I am going to be signing up for at least 1 — if not 2 — blog conferences for later this year. I’m hoping to get sponsorships for this, but I am also trusting that God will provide what is needed before the plane (or car) is set to travel across the country. I’ll tell you more about these events as they get closer — but I am SUPER excited about both — and am hoping to meet some awesome bloggy friends… and see the sights of at least one city I’ve never visited before (and maybe even see the Pacific Ocean?!?!?)

Anyway… so that is kind of what’s next for me. I’m seeking out what God wants… I striving to lean on Him so that I can follow where he is leading me and not going down the wrong path. Although, as a final thought here… even if you travel down the wrong path in your life for a while, God seems to bring you back to the path HE wants you to be travelling… whether through friends, family, or even a random stranger… at least that’s what I’ve seen in my life.