This is one of those posts that I wish I would have kept my blog private for. A post about relationships… and the truth behind mine. It’s weird knowing that my parents and quite possibly my brothers (not to mention other family members) will read this at some point. And I can only imagine there will be that “elephant in the room” for the rest of my life. Especially when one of my brothers (you know who you are) will bring this up as a “joke” and I will walk out of the family gathering in tears.

All that to say… I’m writing this to find out that I’m either strange, weird, crazy… or simply not alone in these feelings or experiences. Although being a 30-something single woman, I’m pretty sure I am the only one out there like me.

I realized something when I was on the phone the other day with a friend. We had been talking about dating and how difficult it would be to find “the one”… especially when the chemistry isn’t there for one or both of the people.

And it hit me – I haven’t even dated enough to be socially acceptable. Seriously, it’s not like I’m turning down dates here, hence the reason I previously said I’d pretty much date anyone that asked. (And for the most part this is still true.) Why? Because I’ve only been asked out 3 times – and I’ve asked out someone once. There have been less than 10 dates in my entire life… all after 30.

One date was from a crazy stunt I pulled on a trip out of town. Something that in hindsight, I should have never agreed to in the first place. But I did… and if nothing else, I learned a lesson.

The date where I asked the guy out was someone I had known for quite sometime, but after the date I never heard from him again. This was ok with me. It was more like getting together with a long lost cousin.

Another guy I went out with was from one of the online dating sites. Almost all of the dates we went on, we were surrounded by other people… and the one where we were by ourselves, everything just felt wrong. Plus when we took a walk around town after, he walked about 10 paces in front of me. (Yes, I was the one that broke up that scenario shortly after… and yes, if he had held my hand, I might have considered keeping him around a little longer.)

The last guy was a blind date – it started out really awkward because the restaurant we met at was closed and we decided to just do drinks at a restaurant near my house. About 20 minutes after being there (and realizing how much he didn’t want to actually get to know me or talk about anything whatsoever), one of my brother’s friends walked in and sat down at the bar with his friends. I spent the rest of that date wishing I was on a date with that guy instead of who I was with.

That last date was March of 2009. More than a year ago now. And yes, I still have a crush… but I have no idea what he’s up to right now.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know why guys don’t want to ask me out… or if they do, I don’t know how to read “the signs“. I never went through that “growing up experience” because I was so overweight and secluded myself from it. It is beyond me on how to go up to them to a guy I like to ask him out because at my age you never know if anyone is really single. I’m not a girl that frequents the bar scene… especially since I don’t really have any friends that would want to go out with me. And I sure as hell don’t want to tag along with couples. I think that’s even worse.

Sometimes I’m afraid that this little “world” I’ve built online is increasing my solitude that much more.

I’m not sure what’s next… but obviously something has to change for me. Obviously something has to be different because what’s going on for me right now isn’t working.

So tell me.

Am I strange/weird/crazy because I can’t find dates? Am I alone in these thoughts?

A couple of weeks ago, I had a couple of days off after Gleek Retreat. I wanted to really use these days as a way for me to find myself back after being (or feeling like) I was lost in the midst of conference planning. Over the course of the 2 days, I spent time getting a massage, a new tattoo, drinks with new friends, watching a movie, going to the dentist… and well, painting pottery.

I had a Groupon type deal that I took advantage of a few months ago and decided this would be the perfect time to use this deal. I *love* painting pottery. It’s a HUGE release for me… and could be post in itself.

Anyway… that’s most definitely not what I’m thinking about here.

So as I was finishing up the pottery at the studio – the owner (or manager?) was walking around, keeping up on everyone and making sure we were all set. Periodically he would stop and chat with me. I thought this was because I was sitting alone… but it was nice to have someone to chat with.

As I was finishing up and cleaning up, he was walking through the hallway and asked “If you have the day off, where’s your boyfriend?” My response was something along the lines of “There’s no guy in the picture right now”. And I went back about my business thinking more about the task at hand and the need to get to work a bit later.

Shortly after, I paid for everything (or rather didn’t because I had the coupon and was )… and a couple times while I was trying to figure out what to do – since I hadn’t ever been there before – he said (or called me) “baby” a couple of times. One of my pet peeves when someone really doesn’t know me well at all. (Um, duh?!)

It was when I was driving home that it occurred to me that this might have been a pick-up line. Yeah… I’m *that* on top of it. Seriously. So I turned to my faithful twitter friends, and indeed they confirmed that for me.

Definitely a pick-up line.

This made me think about the “baby” comments a little more as well. Did he mean to say “baby” or was it just something he said to everyone? Was he trying to flirt?

I had to let it go… I knew I’d run into him a week later when I picked up the pottery so I decided to assess the situation again at that point. Plus, if I thought about it too much in that week, I might have imagined the relationship in full course. (Do all girls do this?)

This past week I went to pick up my pottery… was greeted by him as I walked in the door. He asked what my pottery looked like and I described it to him. He looked at me like I was crazy. Like it wasn’t there or something. Then all of a sudden he’s like “Oh yeah!” and starts laughing. (Cue me eye-rolling on the inside about now.)

After he picked up the vase & bowl I had made, he finished them and started packaging them up. He asked how my day was… I said “long, but good day so far”… he responded with “I know what you mean, I’ve been working since 11 last night. But at least I have a roof over my head, the kids are fed and the baby mama’s happy enough.”

At this I was glad that my order was ready… wasn’t sure exactly how to respond. I told him I really enjoyed the store & would be back sometime.

What do you think? Should I start becoming a regular at painting pottery? Or should I avoid the store unless I really want to paint… and then take a friend along for super-protection?

So now that this Eharmony membership has done gone expired on me… I’ve come to the conclusion that it might be me {and the standards I have set for myself} that’s the problem with finding a dude to hang out with on a more regular basis. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s the dude’s I’m dealt on these sites. 

Take a look…

Is it too hard to write in complete sentances? Or expand on what kinds of games you like?

You really don’t read at all? Not even a magazine?

At least you’re honest. But you might want to put a bit more of a positive spin on it in the future… (and spell check might help too.)

I have to admit, I’m very curious about running his bulldozer.

Is there a link between dogs and men… or do I just not want to know?!

And let me say… a number of these guys really should SMILE in their pictures. They look like serial killers otherwise.

Oh yeah, I’m not done yet.

Now… I’m not saying that I’m all sunshine and roses here, but I can do better than this… right?!?

For full disclosure, I should say that there were some really great profiles out there too… it’s just that these guys either never communicated back with me or it was Texting Dude. Or there were the guys who were so obviously giving away their personal information in their profiles (i.e. Facebook info, email addresses, etc.) that it was a little unnerving.

This experiment hasn’t really dampened my spirits about dating necessarily, but don’t be looking for me on the online dating scene again real soon. I’m just not interested in throwing money away without it providing *some* hope that it actually would produce a couple of worthy prospects.

So for now… I bid this dating online game adieu. Did I make the right decision?!?

So I joined eHarmony a while ago. The deal was good… and I figured that it couldn’t hurt to try to meet more people than what I have been in the past few months. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not desperate, but I would like to meet some good quality people a little more often. Preferably ones that I didn’t go to high school with and only remember the “old me”.

For those that don’t know, the eHarmony process is 4 steps. First closed ended questions, followed by things you classify as “must haves” and “can’t stands”, then open ended questions and finally open communication.

The guy I was communicating with was from about 6 hours away… a little further than I would like if I were to get into a long-distance relationship, but still somewhat do-able. Especially because Chicago was between us – and that’s just {plain & simple} a great town.

He initiated the process and upon my answering/sending questions he would respond in {literally} 1 minute or less. Every.Time. It almost seemed like he was on the site all the time – which he may have been if he has the iPhone app.

I know I’m quite a catch but still… maybe a little quick and a little too eager.

After completing the 4 step process in about 1.5 days, his first message to me only includes his cell phone number. I try {unsuccessfully} to call by blocking my number (and for what it’s worth, breaking my “golden rule” on dating by having the guy call me if we’ve not actually gone on a date yet) – and then left a message back to him on the site saying that I must have missed him.

He responds that he needs my number – he won’t answer calls without it. So I oblige. I gave up my cell phone number.

He texted me on Tuesday morning asking for my picture – which I sent to him… and received the response “cute
 Nice. And then later that night he called – and left a nice/sweet voicemail on my phone…

…and then he became “Texting Dude”.

On Wednesday he texts me and asks for all kinds of personal information. Some of which I gave to him, some of which I excluded… and when I asked for the same back – he gave me a one single synopsis text back. Great. Not feeling so good about this.

Then I’m out for dinner that night… and while at dinner I get another text from him saying “Can I have a picture of your face?”

Me: “Um, I think I sent a pic to you already…”

TD: “No, I never received it. Can you send it again?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you received it. You said I was cute.”

TD: “I deleted it. Send it again plz”

5 minutes later… TD: “Can I get your last name? You didn’t send that”

45 minutes more pass… TD: “What was your last relationship” <– Already sent him that info

Another hour goes by… TD: “How is your night goin”

I don’t answer his texts that night. Nor does he try to reach out further beyond them to communicate with me. I also log into the eHarmony site to send him a message and find that he’s closed the match.

Thursday afternoon arrives and I am feeling relieved that I probably won’t be hearing from him.

Then I get a text from him “hey beautiful”. {My thought at this point… uh oh.}

I don’t respond. Instead I turn to twitter… and find that a number of people believe the same thing that I do.

He’s totally a player. And he’s playing me.

Later that night {when I’m at the bowling alley hanging with my brothers/friends} I finally send him a text back… “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should keep communicating. Good luck with your search.”

And receive this EXACT text back… (his spelling, not mine… I promise)

TD: “your a bitch”

Well thank you.

*My sister-in-law (a teacher) stated that maybe I should send him a text back saying that it wasn’t grammatically correct. I chose not to.

And thus ends another “match” on eHarmony.

Or Valentine’s Day to the common world. I really don’t like this holiday — not because I don’t have a significant other — but because if you love someone you should celebrate this EVERYDAY, not just one day a year. But it’s still hard, not only for singles (like myself) but for those that can’t be with the ones they love because they are in the military — or maybe because their loved one has passed away.

What makes this “holiday” even more fun is that many on Facebook are sharing details about their love and significant others this week… this is what the typical message is like.

“It’s Valentine’s Week on Facebook! ? (Change your profile picture to a picture of you with your significant other and tell us how long you have been together.)”

Not that I don’t want to wish my friends and their spouses/significant others well — I do — but to hear about it over and over and over and over is REALLY hard when you haven’t even been asked on a date in just about 11 months… and haven’t had a decent date in over a year.

But instead of focusing on the negatives (which I have for far too long here…) I am going to focus on the positives of this holiday.

• I don’t have to share my bed.
• I can get up whenever I’d like because no one else is making noise.
• I have an entire walk-in closet to myself.
• I can do laundry when and how I want… and put it away whenever I feel like it.
• I can go out with friends without checking if someone else has plans.
• I can watch what I want on television.
• I can eat what I want… when I want it.
• I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s bad financial decisions.
• I can go on vacation where I want to — and not have to worry about getting 2 airline seats together.
• I can heat the house however I would like.
• I have no one to clean up after… except myself (which does tend to be a chore).
• I can listen to whatever I want while driving.
• I don’t have to worry about the toilet seat being left up… unless I have visitors.

So there’s my list thus far… any more suggestions??

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Yes, I realize it’s been a week since I posted my last blog. It’s been quite the week for me — and inspiration was lacking — I apologize. But as I said, exciting things happened this week {I became an aunt} and you’ll see much more soon! Oh yeah, and I have a plan about blogs coming daily once again. Hopefully the inspiration will continue after today. HA!

Today I had to tell you about what I’ve been seeing lately. I’m finding the {specifically placed} ads on the websites that I’ve been visiting absolutely hilarious. Really, it’s just Facebook and Gmail. I’ve know for a while that gmail (my e-mail provider) sifts through my e-mail messages to find and provide ads to me that are relevant to what I’m writing to my friends (and other people about.) At times it makes me laugh because some of the “key words” that they pick out have NOTHING to do with the actual meaning of what I or friends are writing about.

Then there’s Facebook. I’ve suspected for a while that they’ve been picking up the same types of things for their ads… but it was overwhelmingly put in front of me a few weeks ago when everything said “AGE 32: ” with their ad. Yeah, thanks for reminding me every minute while I’m online (not that I have a problem with my age) that I’m 32. But apparently 32 year olds get special coupons to Victoria’s Secret. Who knew!?!?

Well, the other night I’m inputting my status update — trying to decide what kind of excitement in my life that I want to share with my “friends” out in Facebook-land. Then I see the ad to the right. The part that killed me was the first line — literally I was laughing out loud! — was the “Stop dating heathens!” part.

Yeah… because that’s what’s stopping me from being in a successful, loving, healthy relationship.

It’s the heathens.

*todays lyric title: Paula Abdul – “Cold Hearted”

First, as promised from yesterday morning – my weigh in results. I had a small gain from last month — but that brought me to my goal weight EXACTLY… so I am good to go for the month of December. My eating yesterday definitely showed the stress that I am under at work (I caved and went to Wendy’s for lunch… blamed it on my need for caffeine). Today is going to be better. I’m going to make it that way!!!

So onto the “something strange” that happened to me yesterday…

Yesterday I was working on my Bible memory project for church that I’m hoping to start up in the new year. Toward the end of this, I started looking up very random chapters of the Bible trying to “fill in” (for lack of a better phrase) my list of the alphabet.

Before I continue on with my story — let me say, while I *love* reading and spending time in the Bible and am familiar with many things within it, I by no means am a scholar and typically can’t find passages I’m looking for right away. I truly believe that’s why God created Bible Gateway. Seriously.

Well, I start by looking up “Colossians 3″ trying to find a verse that starts with the ones I’m still missing on my list. Didn’t find anything there, so I decide to move on to Ephesians… and choose chapter 5. Still nothing. But found a very interesting correlation between these 2 chapters. They both talk about marriage. Hmmmm…

Once again, I should back up a little. In the past week or two, I’ve told a number of people (as well as on this blog yesterday) that 1) I’m not going to start dating anyone during the holidays… it’s already a stressful time of the year, why add on to it – right? OR 2) I’m giving up on men altogether. I’m just not going to get married at all. It’s just not worth it.

The second of the 2 “decisions” was based on a number of interactions from guys/men in my life recently… and just don’t want to have that negativity or downward talk in my life on a regular basis. Because of this, I just swore off men altogether — it’s just not worth it when all you really want/need is a hug.

Anyway… so I’m finding it all a little bit “funny” to say the least that I accidently looked up these two passages… and wondering if God was behind it all along — speaking to me. After all, He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere. And for this one little moment in time, maybe -just maybe-He was right here by me… telling me to not make silly snap-judgement decisions once again.

I’m thinking God is laughing at me… and I’m not sure what’s going to happen here. All I know is that I’m looking out for a “brick from above” to hit me across the head one of these days. I’ve been asking for a sign as to what’s going to happen in my future… and maybe I’ve been ignoring it somehow.

At this point, I’m going to “keep on, keeping on” because I know that God will make himself known to me. Even if it is with an actual brick.

I’m not talking about the Orange soda today (although, it does bring back memories of grandma’s house and drinking soda from cans that were well past when they should have been used…) but rather whether or not it is ok for me to *HAVE* a crush on a guy.

Yup, it’s true… and no, I’m not saying who it is… or whether anyone I know has any regular contact with this particular interest. Just saying that he’s out there. And wondering if I should get the guts up to do something about it.

I’ve only really “taken a chance” once — and it really did end up being a good experience (although in hindsight, not very many wise decisions were made on my part that day)… and while I have no contact with that guy any longer, I learned a few things about myself.

I learned that I am courageous, but still want to be “swept off my feet”. I learned that I am strong, but yet can be disppointed even when I don’t expect to be. I learned that I can have fun with something/someone without it really going anywhere, but also know that I don’t want that for my life.

I know God has a plan for my life and my relationships. And everyone tells me that I will know it when I meet the guy I’m supposed to be with. But I’ve only heard of one situation that “MR. RIGHT” actually showed up on someone’s front porch. True story. It actually happened to a very good friend of mine. But I don’t think it’s going to work that way for me… which means that something must be done. Action must be taken.

So here I am… been thinking about this post for a couple of days now… wondering if I will once again have the guts to act on this crush. Wondering if I do act on it and talk to him, how responsive he will be. And for that matter… especially not knowing for sure if he is dating someone currently. Yeah, that wouldn’t be embarrassing AT.ALL.

I sit, ponder, wait and wonder… and pray about it — because that’s the only thing really keeping my sanity about the whole thing.

…and yes, I’ve also been told that if I forget about everything to do with relationships (i.e. focus on something else in life), that’s when it’s going to happen. Hmmm… so much to ponder, so much to think about…

Today started out a normal, uneventful day. I went to Weight Watchers for my weigh in… and apparently gained back 1/2 of what I lost about 2 weeks ago (boo!) so now I am back to tracking and watching my sale intake. To be honest, I kind of knew the gain was going to happen. After all, I did splurge more than I typically do most weekends. Planning to get a workout in Friday AM, Saturday AM… then maybe try a weigh in on Sunday noon again if things are controlled until then. Not to mention that an extra meeting might not be so bad for me too.

Work is going well… I’m very busy – which is good for an investment management office right now – or at least that’s what I think. Don’t get me wrong though… while I am busy – I apparently have had some serious ADD issues lately as I get SUPER distracted from things and then projects that have been started sit unfinished… even though I had planned to complete them weeks ago. I think this all has to do with the fact that I’m still tired (but who isn’t!) and that really I need to take a good hard look at what I’ve been eating (and how much!) during the day.

For my lunch hour, I had a plan to go pick up the book “Julie & Julia” from the library (which I did) because I saw the movie recently. Of course as I walked over there in the gorgeous sunshine and warm temperatures (finally!) I decided that I would definitely sit in the park to start reading it. As I walked to the park, something profound occurred to me. My birthday is in 3 weeks. I will be 32. Yikes.

Why this hits me so hard today… enough to make me want to cry… sob even… is beyond me (but I was at work, so of course I couldn’t be a blubbering idiot!) I have accomplished so much, and have so much to look forward to… but as I sit in the park – trying to read – all I see around me is couples. And it reminds me again that I have no significant other to wish me a happy birthday this year. No one to surprise me with a party, an improptu lunch visit, or even a card in the mail. I really don’t think I am asking for much… but I feel like I am asking for the world.

I trust that it will happen… but then my mind wanders… what if it doesn’t. What if I don’t ever have a long term relationship? What if I don’t get to have a beautiful wedding… showers, ceremony, honeymoon and all? What if I don’t have someone to travel around the corner or to far away places with? What if I don’t have someone to hug me when times are happy or sad?

What if, what if, what if.

Many of you know that I tried (and seemingly failed at) the online dating thing. It was definitely an experience and maybe, in another time in my life, I might try it again. But for now, I’m using the remaining months of my “free” access to find the best & most humorous profiles to post – all while keeping these poor guys as anonymous as possible. I also have not changed or altered the grammer in any way – each is from the “About me & my Date” section of this dating site.

Here are a couple of “gems” to get you started for the week. I hope you enjoy!

Milwaukee, WI – 37 years old

nice, smart man seeking a nice cool, reliable, caring, tender, cute girl to get to know better befriends, be together and enjoy the things life have to offer. 34/m/milwaukee, brown eyes, black hair. I am outgoing, I love to have fun, love sports particularly volleyball, i am also a hard worker, and also love to socialise. I drink socially and do not smoke, however smoking does not disturb me.

If you’ve had your profile on here for 3 years, you might consider – once in a while, just for fun – looking it over and seeing if there’s anything that should be changed. Like your age. That is all.

Jenison, MI – 30 years old

A woman who loves to travel to the UP or to Europe and can live in a Hotel Eight or a tent with an outhouse I would like to see if she would also be a woman who could laugh at any situation during the serious point in life, and little times when no one is watching. If you are looking for a romatic guy, I’m not him. I don’t enjoy personal displays of affection instead I take a more subtle approach that dosen’t always work.

Seriously… I think this is a joke.

Fargo, ND – 29 years old

I like a girl that takes care of her self… One that works out is very sexy. I’m a sucker for tan tone legs. Smart and someone with a sense of humor is a huge plus. So.. sound like u? Lets go get some ice cream and see where it leads.

Once again… has to be a joke. Really tan girls in North Dakota? BTW… this guy’s profile picture is of him sleeping on his (or maybe a buddies?) couch.

Burlington, IA – 28 years old

I just had to post this humorous profile pic.

Texarkana, AR – 34 years old

Not scared to laugh and practical joke, outdoors type , love to snuggle under a blanket. Wanta best friend and life long partner. Not into games. Either u like me or u dont! Im not scared to take charge and make decisions but dont wana be shuned for makin my choices after you couldnt make up your mind! lol! Love racing and anything to do with a car or motorcycle. Huge deer hunter and yes i chase turkeys too! haha can you? Lol

What does one do to chase Turkeys? Maybe I should ask. But anyway…….

So these are some options. Not very good ones for me, but options none the less. I have learned a lot about myself in the process… especially about how I should describe myself. Because I am a great person… and I know that God has someone out there for me. For now, I will just surrender this and let things happen as they may… or may not.