Sometimes strong feelings just have to take the stage. Today I’m pouring my heart out with Shell @ Things I can’t Say. After having a hard weekend – and a hard Monday – I realized a few things… and now need to come to terms with some of these feelings I’m having. Good thing I have therapy this week.
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I’m told that I’m beautiful.
I’m told that I’m an outgoing, friendly person.
I’m told that I’m fun.
But yet, I feel like none of these things can be true.
I feel like I’m not heard.
I feel like I’m not seen.
I feel like I’m not worthy to have the dreams that I have.
Because things just aren’t working out that way.
God has other plans for me… or He’s just out to teach me a lesson over and over. A lesson I can seem to understand apparently. Or maybe it’s a lesson I just don’t see. I’m really beginning to feel like He doesn’t care. I’m feeling like my life is just one big joke.
First I had a “sign” from God saying that I need to “Give it time“. Except I don’t know that He’s talking about my love life… or my friendship life.
Then I had a piece of glimmering “hope” given to me a few months ago. A piece of advice that I quickly wrote off because I know better than to believe the words to be true. But still… the words of the psychic came back to haunt me this week. This is the end of the time frame that she gave that I would “meet someone at a gathering.”
It hit me hard. Harder than I wanted to admit really.
I’ve heard the advice that I have to give up looking and then I will find Mr. Right. I continually get the questioning of whether I’m doing the online dating (or whether I’m doing it “right”… ps, anyone that says that does not know what the hell they are talking about!)
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to give up. I want to continue learning and being ready for that day to come… however far away it might be.
If I’m beautiful, why have I not had a date in almost 2 years?
If I’m outgoing & friendly, why do people seem to run away from me?
If I’m fun, why is it that I feel like I need to beg to get together with people?
There are things I’m really starting to think would be a good idea to give up.
I want to give up the dream I have had as far as a family of my own, a partner, lover, life-long friend.
I want to give up the imagination that I’ll be shown that I’m beautiful.
I want to give up the idea that I’ll ever be able to move away… to live in a warmer climate or a big city.
I want to give up the idea that I’ll be respected in my current job. That my input is actually heard and I don’t need daily lectures about something I don’t want to pursue as part of my career.
No I take that back… I don’t want to give it up any of that. I love to dream. I love to know that something might happen in my life. But I think I have to give up these many ideas… dreams… imaginations or else they won’t ever happen.
Because if I give it all up, maybe I’ll be able to start to live.
You ARE beautiful, funny, highly entertaining, compassionate, adventurous and all of the above.. Inside and out. My life is better, richer, fuller knowing you and having you be part of it.
I totally get the being mad at God and feeling like He’s not there or giving some unattainable lesson. Seriously, why doesn’t God have a facebook or twitter account so I can @ Him?!?
You are amazingly fabulous and I’d love to eat dinner with you again.
xoxo Lo.
Hi Julie. I really get you on this and I think you are very brave for getting this out there in writing. I feel like this sometimes and I keep it in which is worse.
I hope you don’t give up your dreams though. Dreams are healthy. I also have a friend like you who is beautiful, talented, and great around people. She is a scientist and for whatever reason never has a long term bf. There are days where she wants to give up but she keeps going. There are days when I want to give up on my dreams but I’m stubborn and if I do I won’t have anything to strive for or keep me going.
I hope you keep pursuing your ideal life and I hope good things come to you.
Don’t give up your dreams – just be open to OTHER dreams as well. I’m fighting this same war right now, just different battles. I wish I was one one those people of deep faith who can just say “Thy will be done” and offer up all their disappointments and defeats as part of God’s greater plan. I can’t seem to get rid of MY plan or MY schedule for when things should happen in my life (which doesn’t seem to be the same as what God has chosen for me at all). I just keep praying to stay open to God’s lessons and blessings as they come way way, in whatever form they show up. I know there are a lot of special blessings ahead for you – keep your eyes, heart, and mind open for them!
Its good to have dreams. Never give up.
But its important to get out and live life each day for just that day.
Let each day be a good one, one day at a time.
Before you know it, its been a good week, a good month and a great perspective.
Dream, believe, hope – all good things.
Like you.
Huzzah to you and your bravery. What a touching post, thank you for sharing some of your soul. I would say don’t give up. Don’t give up on dreaming, imagining, hoping. It *is* frustrating to feel trapped by your hopes, but we can’t give up. Giving up won’t allow you to live, you can be free and hope, though it can be a tough journey to get there. Hugs lady.
This is a huge first step.
To not let dreams go, but to start life instead.
Like this book I read, in my 30′s: it said, “I decided to stop waiting for someone to bring me flowers, and got me my own instead.”
Truly, I DM’d you: it’s not giving up dreams, it’s starting your life.
I met my husband when I took myself out to lunch, during the work week: to a nice Mexican restaurant.
My husband was there having lunch with some of his co workers.
I sat alone.
And when I got up to leave, he ran up to introduce himself.
Who would’ve thought?
Live for yourself now.
Start.
Live life.
You are strong and beautiful, and a lot of people are intimidated by you. I had many counselors point this out to me. People are intimidated by strong, confident women. Women and men. Don’t let go of dreaming. Seek God. Pour out your frustrations to Him.
I don’t want to hijack your comment section. I’ll email more… Hugs!
I’ve been there. Its hard to hear those things, but always be excluded. Many times our friends don’t reach out to us because they think you are so amazing you already have plans.
I started planning things & inviting. I started small and yes sometimes no one came, but I tried to reflect happy positive even on bad days & eventually I made all the moves on the guy I wanted to date. Seize the day type of life…totally out of my comfort zone, but you have to do what you have to do. It will come.
Hugs!
You are beautiful and wonderful. I’m surprised your ears weren’t burning this weekend b/c there were a few of us talking about just how fabulous you are while we were at BBC together.
Hang in there, girl.
I so know how you feel….it was really hard waiting and watching while all my friends found amazing guys and I seemed to date guys who were not fit for husband material. I was always the girl that was a friend, not a girl friend.
I don’t know why or how…but it finally just worked one day. i am not sure if that is God’s plan for you, but one thing I really wish I would have heard before when I was single was to live your life and work for God during that period of time. Marriage has so many extra responsiblities that I have a hard time giving a lot of time to church, bible studies or mission trips. I wish I would have really focused on those things when I was single.
Pray about this hard love, give it up to God and I hope that he will take your burdens away.
I agree. Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find her.
Again I have to say, you give voice to what I am thinking and feeling. No advice or words of wisdom, just the encouragement that you are not alone!