This weekend has been a tough one. Food wise… and creativity wise. I don’t know what’s happening with me in all of this. And why I feel so “off”.

I was hoping to have my Christmas cards done and ready to send. Instead I have a shell of an idea and nothing mass produced. I was hoping to get at least one more section of my book written. I was hoping to have a book ready to submit to Shutterfly for my DR Trip… but as of this writing, I have yet to upload a single photo to the website. I was hoping to have a design idea ready for my future sis-in-law for wedding stationary… but the idea still resides in my head.

I spent a fair amount of time this weekend listening to music. Various music — some of which will be highlighted on here this week… my ode to Christmas music. Yes, I do like Christmas music. AFTER THANKSGIVING. And I have a couple new songs that I really enjoy that I know you all will want to check out.

But this is not about Christmas music… this is about me. I was listening to Saving Abel’s “Drowning (Face Down)”… a song that I had heard first at their concert earlier this year (they opened for Nickelback). The song really didn’t strike me, except that I liked it and should check it out further… and then I forgot about it. (After all, there was much more left to the concert!) The next time I heard/saw it, was when I was working out at the healthclub. The TV’s there had the video on — and it features Jeremy Mayfield and his journey into NASCAR as an independant owner (although, some might say he’s still “drowning” since the recent allegations of Meth use on his part — I’m hoping it’s not true, I kind of liked him as a driver.)

Well, I got to listening to the song a number of times and thought I should really look up the lyrics. Here’s the chorus…

I think the reason that this affected me so strongly this weekend was because of the lack of discretion on my part of what I ate this weekend. I *HAVE* come too far to turn around and go back to my old life of eating fast food or pizza or snacks VERY often. But like any journey, you must reach the bottom — lying face down perhaps — and realize that you need to be real with everyone around you. To be concious of what you are saying versus doing. To live what you are saying.

Friday night was particularly hard for me. I had WAY too much to eat… and just didn’t know why I was doing it all. So I started writing in a journal I had laying close by. Soon enough, I was writing things that I hadn’t even thought about for a while… and ended the post with the following…

“God what do you want for me? What do you want me to change? How do you want me to move forward? Do you want me to move? If so, where? Do you have a new job/career in store for my life? Who do you want me to marry? What traits do you want him to have? Or is marriage not in my future? What is the next step for my weight loss journey? Do you want me to write this book?

Guide me Lord, guide me in a way that I know it’s your path… it’s your river that I’m on. I feel like I’m lost. I feel like I’m on the outside of life looking in… and missing out on something. Show me Lord what’s next. Amen.”

I’m going to keep praying this as my prayer before I read the Bible… as I am working (it’s been written on an index card for me to take with me)… or simply said, as I am living life.

I think I’ve been trying to re-gain control of a lot of things in my life once again — and just need to surrender it all, surrender to HIM, and pray that I find the direction, the guy, the life, the place, the everything that HE has planned for me.