I decided to do a theme this week… especially in light of the independence post I had yesterday. I am going to write about surrendering different parts of my life to my creator. Each day I will write about something I need to surrender, each day hopefully see and conclude a new way to look at things in my life. I’m hoping that out of all of this will come a new outlook, not only from within myself but also the outlook I project to the world.
Today I am surrendering my thoughts. Specifically what I think about myself – or how I talk about myself to others. I just began a bible study (ok, I’m a little late in starting it as well!) by Jennifer Rothschild. This is the bible study that Beth Moore’s Sietas (blog buddies) are doing for the summer months. (I guess that would make me a siesta too, huh?!?) Anyway, after only a couple of days, I can already see that my thoughts into my own life are not always positive ones.
Throughout my growing up years, I had a negative self view of myself – primarily because of the weight… or so I believed. I didn’t like myself, so I didn’t think anyone else should like me either. Because of these negative feelings within me, I began a horrible cycle of loneliness & sadness within me. I didn’t speak well of myself – even the awesome accomplishments that I had done with my weight loss or at work – but instead felt uncomfortable with it anytime it was spoke of.
And now, even as the weight loss part of the journey has come to an end, after all the changes that I made in my life ~ I thought I would be able to look at myself and see the positive. But I can’t. Well, I shouldn’t say that… I don’t all the time. Yes, there are days that I feel on top of the world and that I feel great about me and what I’ve accomplished, but then there are days that I sit around and call myself an idiot because I’ve done something stupid or just plain don’t feel good about myself. Case in point, I walked into a piece of furniture one night this week – yes as a result of the previous “redecoration for the 1st time in 3 years” – and had a bruise on my thigh for 3 days. Every time I looked at my leg, I thought to myself – “Seriously Julie, you shouldn’t be walking into furniture after it’s been like this for 3 months!”
With surrendering my thoughts, I have to be aware of what I’m saying to myself… aware of the thoughts that I am putting into my head… aware of the feelings I am having about what I am doing, eating, feeling, seeing in myself, seeing in others, etc. I am committing to put the negative out of my life – and to pray each time these thoughts infiltrate into my being. They just plain shouldn’t be there.
Really, I am proud of everything I have accomplished. I am proud of the fact that I have been able to stay so close to my goal weight over the last 6 months – essentially maintaining in the long term. I look at pictures of myself and don’t recognize me. But even though the outside facade has changed, the inside renovations are still taking place.
