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I *hate* today…

Written on April 1, 2009

Ok… I guess it’s a double blog day… happy april one.

Since I’m all about sharing lately, I thought I would share with you all why I *hate* (and I don’t use that word lightly in this case) April Fool’s Day. Yes, I truly **HATE** this day in general – and today is no different. I really should turn this into “Julie’s Dark Day” (similar to Luke’s Dark Day on the show “Gilmore Girls”) where I disappear from civilization and don’t communicate with anyone about anything. However, that’s not at all productive… so therefore I went to work, got a lot of crap done, went to get some much needed groceries, and came home. And now I’m blogging. Next I’m taking some sort of concoction of drugs and will be sleeping through the night.

Here’s why today is not my favorite day…

April First signifies a somewhat “happy” day for me… it’s 1/2 way to my birthday for the year. Yay… or, just another reminder that I’m closer to another year older – and not seemingly any closer to goals or aspirations that I want to have for myself (besides in my weight loss journey). Not to mention, no closer to having a significant other to celebrate with either. (More on that to come…)

April One also reminds me of the day 16 years ago that my grandpa (my mom’s dad) was in a horrible car accident… which changed his & my grandma’s lives forever. Of course the ripple effects of this also changed the lives of our entire family as a whole as well. Not only was he in some kind of hospital/care facility for a month, but his care needs after that changed drastically. He passed away a few years ago and I am grateful for the extra years that we were able to spend with him (even though they were drastically different from the years before the accident.) Even though he didn’t pass away on this date… he wasn’t the same grandpa that I knew before. Part of me thinks that this is actually the day I started my grieving for the loss in my life.

The first of April is also the day that my other grandfather (dad’s father) died – 11 years ago today. After learning that he passed away in the late afternoon, I proceeded to go to class (I still wish that I hadn’t). After class, on my way home, I drove around the Holland/Zeeland Area, past all of the places I knew that he lived. I guess it was my way of saying goodbye. And it was raining. Funny how you remember those little details…

Along with this post from last Monday, when I was thinking about my grandmother, I still wonder what each of them would think of what I have accomplished with my weight loss. I wonder what they would say. If I would be able to see the proud look in their eyes. I know everyone in my family is proud of me for the achievements that I have done… but I still wonder with these grandparents because the last memories I have with them is when I was VERY overweight. When I was very unhealthy. And I knew it. But I didn’t change anything.

Anyway…

Not only having all of that going through my head on this day – but add to it that I had been looking forward to going on a date tonight with a seemingly nice guy for about a week now. However, first he canceled on me for Monday (due to work related reasons…) then last night he sent me another e-mail saying that he’s losing his job at the end of the week and is preparing to move back to his hometown. Ok. I feel for him with the losing the job stuff – if it’s true – but I really feel like he was just stringing me along for the hell of it. So because of this craptastic dude, I’m in a mood about guys in general today… and because of this, I’ll probably overlook “the one” if he passes my way. Hopefully God knows better than to do this… that would be a cruel joke.

I hope you all had a better “April Fool’s Day” than I did.

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dating, life, weight loss

Relationships…

Written on April 1, 2009

I don’t know if I am quite ready for this post… but I decided to try it anyway.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the relationships that I’ve had over the years. Many of the friendships I had over the past years I let slip away. Either from a total lack of communication (which I am working on being much better with) or from people moving away… and once again the lack of communication. Part of me wonders if this is really a communication thing… or if it was me hiding from everyone because I didn’t like who I was.

Back when I was the “old” me, I wonder if I purposefully made friendships to people whom I knew would be leaving me. Although at the time, I guess I didn’t realize that they would be leaving me – especially those that moved away. But still, I never really wanted to invest in people as much as I do now. I think about the walls I had put up… the things that I had done to keep real people away… but yet invested so much time into other people – like television characters.

*Please don’t judge me for this*

I used to pretend that I was friends with the characters on my favorite shows. I think it was my only way of ever feeling liked or popular. Because the only way that I would ever be a part of one of these shows was to have less weight on my body. I never once considered that I was strange for not really wanting a social life… or thinking that the small bit of a social life that I had was enough for a 20-something. I craved attention. I craved being wanted. I craved a sense of belonging.

But since losing the weight, I see myself differently. I don’t really know if others do – especially guys – but I like who I am. I like who I’ve become and what I stand for. I enjoy doing the things I do. But yet I feel like I am missing something… and I’m not sure what it is. I have some friendships I truly treasure – but many of these are with people who live out of state. I love my friends that are here and local – but once again, I wonder if some of these are “lifetime” friendships or if they enter my life for a “reason” or “season”.

Lately I’ve been praying that God will show me a sense of belonging as far as my friendships… that I can connect with other Christians in my community and be able to let go of the friendships that are not healthy for me. This is hard. Especially when it’s people that you are very close to. People that you cherish – but still know (and having it made clear) that it’s not healthy for you.

I don’t know if any of this really made sense to anyone else… but it cleared my mind a bit.

Below is a poem that was shared with me a few months back… I read it every so often to remind myself that not all people that enter my life are there forever. This has been true… especially lately… of the guy situation. Anyway… another post for another time.

Reason, Season and Lifetime
..
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
..
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
…
When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.
…
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life.
2 Comments - Leave a comment!
life, weight loss

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