Sometimes you feel like a nut…
I know today’s blog lyric title is not from a song… or at least a true song that I can find. But it’s from a commercial. The only thing is I can’t remember what candy bar (or bars?) the commercial was promoting. Anyway… last night I felt like a nut — and thus the blog title was born.
I’m not a public speaker… but yet I say yes. (I finally know why I do this…)
On the edge of breaking down…
That title desperately describes what I’ve been feeling in the past 36 hours — or maybe even a little more than that. With the pain that I’ve been experiencing, I haven’t really cared about much else in life. Not about laundry, cleaning or frankly anything that’s been entering my mouth. And I’ve been tired. So that doesn’t help my choices with food either.
And while the pain in my jaw has subsided quite a bit — partly due to the pain medication, mostly {I think} due to the massage I got last week — I’m still not making good choices.
It’s been 10+ days since I’ve logged anything in my food tracker. And my weight has PAID FOR IT. I officially am now about 15 pounds over goal. I am feeling crappy about myself and decided last night that THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. I need to change my mentality about a lot of things. I need to love myself. I need to find the quality in me that I am worth. I need to find a purpose in some things that I’ve been working toward.
As I was looking back over my previous blogs this weekend, I realized that I never really set clear goals for myself. So on this first day of February I am setting up some new goals… 11 goals for the next 11 months. And each month I will be updating to showcase my progress for each one of these goals.
1. Write, write, write… as many days as possible. The first part of this goal would be posting one new blog per day here… the other part of the goal would be to post weekly on my writing blog.
2. Take a photo everyday — and post it on my new Project 365 blog.
3. Host a girls night out — or in! Serve drinks, play games and just have a grand time with friends.
4. Track my food. While I am going to “take a break” from the Weight Watcher’s meetings for a bit (only for part of the month of February — just to save the $13/week that it’s costing me right now), I am going to get this part of me BACK ON TRACK. Once I am back to goal weight (or as close to it by the end of the month), I will get back to the meetings.
5. Run in the Fifth Third Riverbank Run. While my goal right now is to do the 25k, I may be changing this to the 10k to make it more manageable for myself. More to come on this soon…
6. Read and comment on at least 5 blogs daily. This can easily be done on a lunch hour — or even as I am getting ready for bed at night. I’ve been trying to be an active member of SITS for a while — and I think this may be the best way to get and keep me involved.
7. Invite my family over for Sunday lunch… and try a new recipe out on them. Ever since moving into my condo all of my immediate family members (ok, now with the exception of the newborn nephew) have been over, but not all at once. I have gone over to each of their homes for a meal, and now would like to return the honor to them.
8. Exercise at least 5 days each week… more if able. Lately I’ve been getting to the gym 3 times a week… or maybe 4 if I’m lucky. With as much as I’m spending on this membership, I need to be there a whole lot more than what I have been.
9. Read one chapter of the Bible daily… or better yet, do the Bible in 90 days reading plan this summer if I do not participate in any online Bible studies.
10. Clean my house for 20 minutes per day. This might not seem like a lot, but I figure if I do a little bit everyday (especially since most of that time is now spent on wasted things like Facebook currently) that I will feel more in control overall. Not to mention, I won’t be spending hours on the weekends doing
11. Go to the movie theater and see a movie by myself. You might think I am weird for doing this, but I think it will be very self empowering. Either that or I will regret every minute of it.
*bonus* Move this blog back to Wordpress. Both of my other blogs (see above) are on their system… and I need to move this one back there. I just don’t want anything to be inturrupted for my loyal readers — and I want to have the ability to customize certain things as well. I have some books from the library on it right now… hopefully they will actually be helpful.
So overall, I don’t know if this will help me regain the control I’ve been lacking… or if it will help me realize who I am… but it’s a start to helping me live the way that I need to.
*today’s lyric title: Simple Plan – “Welcome to my Life”
So give me one more chance…
Recently a friend of mine sent a note along via Facebook including a wonderful poem about Christians. The poem I read had given credit to Dr. Maya Angelou and it read as if she had written it. However, in the course of wanting to give credit to where she had published this, I found out that she had been given false credit. I’m not sure why some choose to take words from one and give them to another – more famous perhaps – author, but that was the case for the poem you will read below.
As a Christian, I am often labeled in some sort of fashion that put a negative view on what I believe. Most of the time I don’t let it bother me, mainly because I know who I am and what I believe. I know that I can be a hypocrite at times. I know that I am not perfect. I try to be the best person I can in all circumstances.
But I also need to learn, I need to get myself into the Bible each and everyday and strive to be better than who I was the day before. While I will never be perfect — no human being can be — I can still strive to help others, be a friend to those in need and set an example to kids (and maybe even adults) around me.
Here is the original version of the poem…
When I say “I am a Christian”
© 1988 – Carol Wimmer
When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”
I’m whispering, “I get lost! That’s why I chose this way”
When I say “I am a Christian,” I don’t speak with human pride
I’m confessing that I stumble – needing God to be my guide
When I say “I am a Christian,” I’m not trying to be strong
I’m professing that I’m weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say “I am a Christian,” I’m not bragging of success
I’m admitting that I’ve failed and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say “I am a Christian,” I don’t think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught
When I say “I am a Christian,” I’m not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I’m worth it
When I say “I am a Christian,” I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name
When I say “I am a Christian,” I do not wish to judge
I have no authority — I only know that I’m loved
*today’s lyric title: Carrie Underwood – “Jesus, Take the Wheel”
When they said you was high classed…
Ok… I am a total blog slacker. I know. You don’t have to remind me.
Really.
When I wrote this blog last week, I thought it wouldn’t be a problem to get back “on track” with my blogging, that it wouldn’t be a problem to “find time” somewhere in my schedule to really connect with my bloggy friends again.
Then the weekend came. Friday night I was ok — went over to my brother’s house to hang out with my new nephew (pictures are on the way… I swear!) and help them get settled and get things put away (or at least all the gifts off their kitchen table.) I’m proud to say that I had trash duty.
And then there was Saturday and Sunday. Saturday started out well enough. Got to the gym by 8am and ran for almost an hour straight. 4-5 miles total. Just not all consecutive. If I’m going to do this 25k run, I need to do much more consecutive miles. As I was leaving the gym, my car wouldn’t start. Wasn’t anything super-serious… just REALLY annoying… and it only cost about $4 to fix. The remainder of Saturday was a lot of trying to keep myself motivated in general. I started to not feel so great – which was compounded by the fact that I wasn’t going to go shopping any longer either. BUMMER!
On Sunday I just started to feel YUCK. Not sick – but more tired because I have had dull pain in my jaw area since travelling earlier this month. I just didn’t want to do anything that day except lay around and sleep — not like me at all.
Monday, Tuesday and the first part of Wednesday were pretty much a repeat of Sunday — except for the fact that I went to work and got some things done there. (While I was there, I can’t say how productive I truly was.) However Wednesday at lunch, I went to my doctor’s office and found out that I have TMJ. Essentially it means that the disc joint for my jaw is inflamed. According to the paperwork given to me by the nurse, one of the main causes of this is stress.
STRESS…
Yeah, like I don’t have any of that going on in my life. Riiiiiight.
So after going to the doctor – and getting a deep tissue massage on Thursday night – I finally feel a little bit like I have a grasp on things again. I still have some pain… but it’s definitely in the manageable stage — and seems to definitely be on the mend.
And while I haven’t been writing on my blog here, I’ve been dreaming about starting my own Project 365 much like Design Girl. I’ve also been living vicariously through Mich and Daisy — who both have had some of their own adventures recently. I’ve also been reading an amazing book with the Bloom Book Club called “Same Kind of Different as Me.” AMAZING READ – Highly recommend it!!! Finally, I found out that Beth Moore’s new book “So Long Insecurity” is coming out on Tuesday and her blog will be holding a discussion group.
So while I may have not been high classed in my approach to blogging by promising things that I shouldn’t have, I am working toward making things right and making myself better. Because of who I am and what I want out of life… I need to write more. I need to set up some guidelines for myself so that I can get back to living the way that *I* want to live. I need to relax and not look at a computer for a while. And I need to spend some time with a little boy named Isaac.
*today’s lyric title: Elvis Presley – “Hound Dog”
Oh, oh girl don’t play the fool…
Yes, I realize it’s been a week since I posted my last blog. It’s been quite the week for me — and inspiration was lacking — I apologize. But as I said, exciting things happened this week {I became an aunt} and you’ll see much more soon! Oh yeah, and I have a plan about blogs coming daily once again. Hopefully the inspiration will continue after today. HA!
Today I had to tell you about what I’ve been seeing lately. I’m finding the {specifically placed} ads on the websites that I’ve been visiting absolutely hilarious. Really, it’s just Facebook and Gmail. I’ve know for a while that gmail (my e-mail provider) sifts through my e-mail messages to find and provide ads to me that are relevant to what I’m writing to my friends (and other people about.) At times it makes me laugh because some of the “key words” that they pick out have NOTHING to do with the actual meaning of what I or friends are writing about.
Then there’s Facebook. I’ve suspected for a while that they’ve been picking up the same types of things for their ads… but it was overwhelmingly put in front of me a few weeks ago when everything said “AGE 32: ” with their ad. Yeah, thanks for reminding me every minute while I’m online (not that I have a problem with my age) that I’m 32. But apparently 32 year olds get special coupons to Victoria’s Secret. Who knew!?!?
Well, the other night I’m inputting my status update — trying to decide what kind of excitement in my life that I want to share with my “friends” out in Facebook-land. Then I see the ad to the right. The part that killed me was the first line — literally I was laughing out loud! — was the “Stop dating heathens!” part.
Yeah… because that’s what’s stopping me from being in a successful, loving, healthy relationship.
It’s the heathens.
*todays lyric title: Paula Abdul – “Cold Hearted”
I’m my own worst enemy…
I woke up this morning feeling renewed in my day. Feeling energized after rolling out of bed despite the 4:55am alarm (well, including a couple of “snooze” sessions.) I was ready to tackle this day and stay on plan today. Last night before going to bed, I wrote out {almost} everything I was planning to eat today. I had everything packed and ready to go. I was prepared.
After all, yesterday I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t plan. I had no self control. The day before I almost stayed on plan (the only thing that kept me 1/2 way decent was knowing that my weigh in was the next day. And truth be told, the only good thing about Monday and Tuesday was that I halfheartedly tried to track.
All in all, while I lost 3 pounds at my weigh-in yesterday morning (YAY!), it was not truly a victory for me as I really had not done and followed the Weight Watcher’s plan to the fullest extent of what I would like. My goal is to change that this week. I would like to get my GHG’s in each day going forward (as it didn’t happen yesterday) — and to be able to stay within my point target for the day that I have set. But I’m also trying not to sacrifice some of my favorite things to eat. You see, that’s the part I’m failing on.
So back to this morning. At 4:55am I was rolling out of bed and by 5:10 (ok, maybe closer to 5:15) I was on my way to the health club for some much needed cardio. After all I haven’t had any workout since Tuesday. I got to class and it was looking like a typical day for us… and then a group of high school kids walked in. Our class that is “normally” (for 5:30am) about 5-6 people big… all of a sudden was at 21!! AWESOME!!! The energy in the room really changes when there are more people there. Class was great — the kids did amazing for their first time (and it being 5:30am) and I left there feeling like I could conquer the world. Ok, maybe not quite conquer the world… but definitely conquer my day.
According to the plan I have set – I’m having my Weight Watcher’s smoothie for breakfast with my 2tsp of EVOO (according to my favorite gal pal Rachael Ray) to fulfill the dairy and oil requirements of the day. Done. Good start for me…
…and this is where I become my own worst enemy. (See how well the lyric title plays into this today?!?) I got to work with a plan. But shortly after I walk in the door, I learn that my boss has graciously brought in cinnamon rolls. A BAKERY CINNAMON ROLL PEOPLE. My favorite breakfast food.
I resisted. I didn’t say no, but I put it in my head that I just couldn’t have it. I just wanted to stay on track today. But then I walked past them. And then I walked past again when I was hungry. I *should* have walked back to my desk to have the banana I brought. But I didn’t.
I *CHOSE* to have part of a cinnamon roll. At least I chose only part of it — and not the whole thing. But I’m feeling guilty and wondering why lately I am still not able to resist temptations. Earlier this week it was potato chips. Now cinnamon rolls. What’s next???
Knowing that I can have anything in moderation helps, but it still doesn’t make me feel any better about abandoning my plan for the day… just because food was brought into the office.
Now I feel blah. Not terrible… not hungry or stuffed… just blah.
I’m going to eat my banana now, just to make me feel like I’m doing SOMETHING right.
*today’s lyric title: P!nk – “Don’t Let Me Get Me”
You’ve gotta live every single day…
And now… for your viewing enjoyment — the highlights of my recent vacation to Albuquerque. I had such a good time and really do think that I will go back at some point in the future. The friends I have there are near and dear to my heart… and I really would love to see the area in the summer time as well.
The Sandia Mountains on the eastern side of the city…
New Years Eve was a fun night of watching — and playing — various poker hands at Jenna’s friends house. I did very well when playing with someone else’s money… and not so well when playing with my own.
After sleeping for a VERY LONG (and well deserved) time on Friday morning. Jenna and I ventured out to the mall… as well as various other locations… to do some shopping. I found a cute sweater — and then Jenna {almost} made me put on this lovely ensemble. Faux fur sweater and black sequins pants. What a stellar look for me. NOT.
Saturday was an adventure… we took the Rail Runner from Albuquerque to Sante Fe! It was really a great and inexpensive way to get between the cities for a quick (and somewhat spur of the moment) day trip. The ride home was a *WEE BIT* crowded. We luckily got seats {and tried to nap} — but for some it was standing room only for about an hour of the trip.
While in Sante Fe, we went to the Loretto Chapel. This staircase is known as the miraculous staircase… if you want to read more about it — check it out here. It was pretty amazing to see.
Saturday night was filled with lots of fun… we went to a bar and hung out with a few of Jenna’s friends. Here is Jenna and Valerie doing Karaoke… something they would NOT have been able to talk me into doing. I did however get up and do the “Cupid Shuffle” with Valerie before this.
I also visited my friend Dani and her family — but didn’t really get any pictures there to show us sitting on the couch… eating dinner… playing with her {oh so adorable} son… and working on how to use the Creative Memories software that I purchase a while back.
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way…
I rarely get political on here. I rarely say anything about world events. I won’t say never… but it is rare.
But then yesterday afternoon’s tragedy struck in Haiti. An earthquake with a 7.0 magnitude. Devastating. My heart breaks for the people, especially since I was just to that island in October (for my Dominican Republic Mission Trip.) I helped and was blessed by people that were of Haitian decent, living and working in the DR trying to make the best of their lives. Some of the people have never been to their native country…
…and now the country is broken, torn apart by a horrible earthquake that possibly has left thousands upon thousands of people dead. People that could have been – albeit distantly – related to some of the people I met a few short months ago.
And then while looking at different websites today that covered the story, I saw this story — or actually video — of Pat Robertson saying that Haiti is not a prosperous nation and a nation suffering because they “sold themselves to the devil” years ago.
I’m not sure where he gets this information… but as a Christian I am horrified that at a time of crisis — less than 24 hours since this event occurred –that he makes these statements. Not that I would ever agree with anyone making these statements EVER. This country is largely a Christian country… mainly Roman Catholic… so his statement makes me even more angry because it simply cannot be true. Our God is a loving God, and while horrible events happen like this at times, the heart of God breaks each and every time one of his children is suffering.
I’m not sure if Mr. Robertson is saying that the devil has control of this country — because that is simply not true. God is in control. And God loves His people — all of His people.
We as Christians are supposed to love our neighbors — and if I could drop everything right now (and I wish I could), I would go be a part of a team that could help restore Port-au-Prince to a bigger and better city than what it was before yesterday’s earthquake. In the meantime, the best that we as Christians can do at this time is pray for the country, for the survivors and for everyone in Haiti, and around the world, that lost people they loved in the past day. The other thing everyone can do is to go to Worldvision or Compassion and donate what you are able to help the relief efforts — as well as help the country rebuild in the coming months and years.
And as far as I’m concerned Pat Robertson can say “I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way.”
*today’s lyric title is from Gwen Stafani’s “Sweet Escape.”
It starts with one…
I know, I know… I said I was going to post pictures of my vacation today. I will do my best to get it up there in the next day or two. I tried to do it last night… but got distracted easily by trying to do my taxes, trying to catch up with people on facebook (have I mentioned my addiction there lately?) and finally trying not to fall asleep. And finally, I ended up going to be early. Which was good.
After much brainstorming about blog titles (and inspiration), I’m starting a new thing on the blog today. While listening to my iPod today, I was struck by how many song lyrics would make good material for the blog. So I’m going to see how long I can successfully do this — and have it be relevant to my life. That’s right, I’m just starting to get my creativity on for 2010. I’m really excited about it too. There’s only one catch to it all — it can’t be the title of the song.
And now the real post for today…
It starts with one thought, a commitment to a goal. That’s why I got up this morning at 4:45am and ran 2.5 miles. Seriously. I committed to doing this 25k and now I *must* run. I need to build up my stamina because after this morning, I felt like I was going to collapse. I need to learn to drink more water while running. I need to run further. I need to run faster so that I can finish within my 3 hour goal for this event.
It starts with one reflection on who you want to be. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Who do I want to be? Am I showing others what I want them to see in me? I know that I am a child of God… someone that truly wants to know more about the Bible and to learn the history of those that came before us. But I’m also the person that does want to go out and have a good time with friends. I’m trying to discover how to put this together in my life appropriately.
It starts with one fear… a fear that I will not be accepted by others. I’m afraid that everyone around me will pick up on the awkward comments that I make at times. I’m afraid that I am putting the wrong image of who I truly am. I’m afraid that I will ramble on for long periods of time making people think that I am wordy… or worse, boring.
It starts with one phone call I am awaiting. I’m days away from being an aunt for the first time and I couldn’t be more excited. This little child is already blessed by having such great parents (although my brother worries me a little… he’s thinking that he’s going to be getting more sleep once the baby arrives!) I can’t wait to see and hear about his/her firsts… watching him/her grow up… and just being blessed by being a part of his/her journey in life.
“It starts with one…” is the first line of “In the End” by Linkin Park. I thought it was appropriate for the first blog in my personal challenge.
Progress…
Just a quick update on my weekend. I exercised. I tracked what I ate. No really, I tracked EVERYTHING I ate. I’m astounded by this. Why? Because I’ve stepped on my scale this morning and am -thisclose- to being back within my goal range. It might not happen this week (although I still have til Thursday and you just never know what kind of tricks I might pull out of my proverbial hat. You never know… I could just be an amazing wonder here. (Yeah, right.)
This weekend I also started thinking about why it is that I can’t seem to get past the next “step” in my weight loss. I had reached my lowest weight ever on my 32nd Birthday in October (and might I add… what a nice birthday gift that was!)
After much thought about why I can’t seem to get to my personal goal, I’ve come to these conclusions….
~ I’ve not accepted myself as I am now.
~ I’m scared to be thin and what that entails… because I don’t know “how” to be thin.
~ I need to find the confidence that I hid when I was overweight so that I can complete this transformation that has taken place. (I’ve recovered some of it… but there’s still a part of me that’s hiding I think…ummm… I know.)
I know there’s probably a lot more to it. I know I’ve blogged about some of this before… so I apologize if I say the same things and haven’t learned anything new as of yet.